Saturday, March 10, 2001

I changed my mind. I do feel sad. Its almost ten. Mandy wants me to go to a concert with her....I do want to go (its MXPX-a Christian punk band) but I'm kinda worried. About the enviornment...about everything. I'm such a naive little Mormon girl, and I want it to stay that way...more or less. I can't turn this down, I don't want to turn this down....I have to go. I want to stay home and finish my many novels and talk to Christa and Warner about the mysteries of life and how much music means. I want to sit up in my room, only comming out to something even more sheltered. Sheltered from myself, and my thoughts. Surrounded by my family that can protect me. The thought that I wasn't good enough never occoured to me until I went to school, or to the mall, or turned on the TV. Why am I such an internet junkie? Its so easy to just get lost talking to people....but its easier to get lost in a book. I want to hide behind everything I do and don't know, and to only cry about things that are trivial. I want to be happy. Happier than I could ever be now. Not with being reminded that I'm not thin enough, not smart enough, and not charismatic enough. I don't want to have to prove myself. But thats the only reason I have to get up every day. I want to sleep.....


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