3:50 A.M.

right now:
the duchess and the duke
old crow kentucky straight bourbon whiskey
camel menthol lights
insomnia
lack of schoolwork
lonesomeness
ripped and fraying jeans
a plaid fouton and a woven wool blanket


lately:
finding new ways to put food together
books books books books
feeding my family
doing dishes
snuggling smokey, the wolfdog
making up summertime clothes
missing home
trying to figure out where that is
excitement for anything out of the ordinary
wanting to hold hands with some boy

she'll kiss you 'til your lips bleed

So. I quit smoking. About twenty-eight hours ago. So far it's terrible. I've basically sequestered myself in the house so that I won't be around cigarettes or be tempted by that delicious wall behind the counter at any gas station. I really do want to be done with all the ill effects of smoking (and there are one hell of a lot for an asthmatic with an addictive personality) but goddammit, I like cigarettes. They're tasty and comforting and make you look cool. I don't know what else I'll be able to supplement them with. I've been inhaling cinnamon gum and even got cinnamon toothpaste and that's helped marginally, but now my jaw is sore because I went through about ten sticks of gum today. I also think it's funny that I decided to quit because I went for a run and couldn't breathe and didn't do a lick of exercise today.

I went to lunch today with Troy M. Woodward, Esq. We ate Mexican food and talked about pot and how fucked up his side of the family is. It was actually really nice. He didn't ask me to come back to Jesus once. He also said that he'd help me get a car AND that he needs filing done at the office, which means Ashley gets overpaid under the table.

Going through my old music makes me want to make mixes galore. hopefully they'll get done and put in the mail.
Fuck. My life is reduced to a series of nothings. At least I'm eating well now.

redebut.

I moved out and officially disbanded milk house today. I'm on the floor of my mom's living room and I just got my first mosquito bite of the season. There's blood all over my foot.

I spent most of the drive here staring out the window and crying. It's strange; I know I don't want to be in Indiana anymore but at the same time I feel like I'm floundering and taking whatever falls into my lap. I think this summer will be a good one but whenever I come home I feel like I'm put back into fifteen year old Ashley's life with chores and dysfunction and no place to go.

I have a feeling that I'm going to be on the internet a lot more than I would readily admit this summer, as it's available and I've grown to dislike watching television. So, I guess I'm saying I'll see you around.

a rehashing of the same events

i feel too narcissistic to write about my life in here. it's generally the same formula: wake, work, play, sleep, and repeat. nothing's been particularly bad or life-alteringly good. i went on vacation with my family to the great western yonder and saw bears and fought over who got the frontseat.

new:
pair of jeans
ability to wear a bikini in public
long long hair

old:
bike
books
hand-me-down tshirts

lacking:
money
companions
car

enjoying:
porch-sitting
winking at cute boys when i'm on my bike
"evil" by interpol and "i don't believe you" by the magnetic fields.

untitled as of yet

hello.
i'd like to get back in the swing of things on here.

i'm sitting in the library and the fella to my left is bouncing his head along to the music just like me. i wonder what he's listening to. rachael is to my right reading livejournal.

we moved. to milk house nouveau. it's a really lovely apartment that makes it hard for me to sleep because my room is so bright and sunny and i need to sleep in a cave. so far summer's been pretty broke but also ruled very hard.

going to yellowstone with my family from the end of june until the middle of july. i'm not sure if i'll love it or go crazy or a strange melange of both. is that an english word? hm.

i'm still trying to figure out this whole boys thing. it's been a while since i've had a real hardcore crush on anyone and i'm not sure if that's because there is a serious lack of available material or if i'm not letting myself feel that because it's been even longer since i haven't been let down. here you go internet, have some neuroses.

i guess that's all. km and stef are gone and i think that is very, very stupid. and rachael is back in school which means no more midnight walks to the gas station. dumb.

thought of an idea for a new tat. me and kyle were going to get matching ships and i'm getting "brother see, we are one in the same" around it. he wanted to get jay-z lyrics. we'll see how that plays out.

100 Things Worth Doing, Part I

1. my grandmother guiding me through my first strawberry rhubarb pie

2. looking at my fresh gun tattoo thinking "i'd better live up to this."

3. finding letters in my college mailbox from my older brother once a week.

4. sharing a bed with my sister even though we have seperate beds.

5. watching my blackfeet grandmother shape frybread with her arthritic hands.

6. trying to coax our new puppy out from under the car where she was hiding as a five-year-old.

7. finally gathering up the courage to wear my hair curly.

8. walking on a path among grass that was higher than my head in ghana, and not being able to take my eyes away from more stars i've seen in my whole life.

9. sleeping in til noon in the south of france and waking up to a breakfast of fresh baguette and nutella.

10. being mistaken for a french girl in a shop in st. martin de crau

11. walking through the train tunnel and waiting for the eleven o'clock to rush by us.

12. looking up at my baby brother and realizing he is a good man.

13. hearing my 6'2, leather jacket-wearing, mohawk-sporting brother giggle at british comedies through the walls.

14. ringing in 2008 with my first new year's kiss.

15. reading e.e. cummings to a boy at four in the morning as he fell asleep on my belly.

16. bashing ex-boyfriends with my mother.

17. watching my grandma and her sister unable to stop laughing for the life of them.

18. making my dad laugh.

19. walking to the gas station in the middle of the night at least once a week.

20. spending the night at my grandmother's in the summertime with light blankets and the windows open.

21. the first time i swore to a professor and he didn't bat an eye.

22. laying in the oak grove with kurt in early october of our freshman year, watching the leaves move.

23. staying up until the early morning talking with my best friends about life and love and childhood memories.

24. my brother taking down a boy at a concert who tried to feel me up while i was dancing.

25. dancing with my little sisters in the kitchen.

ethics.

i think it's best to leave the hard moral questions to them what have hard morals.

no children

i'm going to write an article for the paper on valentine's day for best break up songs and best love songs. "no children" by the mountain goats is definitely going in the former:

i am drowning.
there is no sight of land
and you're coming down with me
hand in unloveable hand
and i hope you die
i hope we both die

and i'd really like to branch out, genre-wise, and not just give everyone an indie rock 101 rundown. suggestions?

for your sake i hope you're really in heaven

Where do we go when we die? he said & I said we don't go anywhere but people don't notice us standing in line anymore & he thought about that & said that was probably a good reason to make a fuss now

-www.storypeople.com

the year in review.

january
fell in love with western pa and listened to the husky tenor on repeat for a month straight. took an impromptu in-love kind of trip to niagra falls with kurt.

february
watched gilmore girls over and over and listened to bob dylan in a low-lit room above romeo's.

march
cooked a lot. made many dishes for friends and myself. perfected my ettouffee.

april
added a french major. started making dresses with a borrowed sewing machine.

may
came home for the summer, wearing a lot of sundresses and doing all kinds of summertime things.

june
kyle came home. i remembered why we're best friends.

july
turned twenty. had a kickin birthday party and re-read all of the harry potter books.

august
freaked out about money, only to find out later everything worked out. got an apartment with k-dawg, decorated it with covered bridges and nunchucks.

september
back in the swing of school. i rode my bike a lot and looked like a sweet punk. i started wearing my hair natural, whatever that is, and got a lot more compliments on it.

october
i was suprised when i got my heart broken. after it happened i let myself fall apart for a few minutes and then put on jackson five and danced around my house for an hour. i've felt pretty alright since then.

november
broke a couple hearts and skipped a lot of class. let myself be more me than i have been in a long, long time.

december
boys, dancing, late nights under stars, and short skirts. but it's not over yet.