medicine.

Cortney:
I have realized that drinking beer and smoking cigarettes has made my sinus infection feel better than sitting around waiting for my immune system to kick in in the healthy way does.
i don't know how to feel about this, but my throat doesn't hurt right now so I'm not complaining
Win.

Ashley:
welll
i was sick for about a month but only felt it during the daytime because of whiskey

Cortney:
Yep.
makes sense.

Ashley:
so i figured, two weeks of the flu is about right. no harm, no foul.

salvation lies to the west.

got back today from a week-long sojourn to the west which included two weddings: my sister's and my cousin's. they were in utah and montana, respectively. i enjoyed spending time with my family but i always feel like i'm having some sort of head trip when i go to provo. it's not a lack of culture, but it seems to be a showcase of only one kind, which ends up being the same thing if you live there long enough. all the same, my sister looked beautiful and seemed glowingly happy to be starting her life with her fella so all in all i'd say that was a success.

on friday we drove up to the reservation through the rockies. i sat in the front seat next to my father and had him tell me stories about being a little indian while the sun set on the missiouri river. the further we drove the more i wanted to stay. montana is one of the few places i've been that still seems wild. you can go for hours and hours and not see anything except a few ranches and big country. then it dawned on me: after this year at home, i can go finish school anywhere i want (provided i dazzle them with an essay about why i felt the need to play ladychild for two years instead of finish my schoolin). the university of montana is only four hours away from my father's family on the rez, and my mom will be moving there at the end of this year which means in-state tuition. most of all, i want to go somewhere new without knowing anyone. i've never really struck out all on my own without a person close by to run to when i'm feeling lonely, and i think i need some wild blue yonder to take me out of myself. sit on top of some hills and figure out what shape i want the little pieces of everything i've ever known to be. i feel like i need to get to know my country before i decide to go about changing it.

cabin fever and sojourns.

I'm turning twenty-two in four days. SHIT. Four days. Shit. I know if I read back over old journals to right before/during/after birthdays I always talk about how old I feel but I am legally and legitimately an adult. My sister's getting married this summer, for Christ's sake. But I still feel like I've got a lot more that needs to happen before I can settle myself down. Nothing wrong with that. Here's to hoping.

Laylay has been my saving grace this summer. Amid the borderline cabin fever and frustration at living in a predominately conservative household, she's always there to go on a trip or bitch, respectively. She's turning into a really cool gal, growing up like. I'm really proud of her, actually. I think she's gonna knock a few things that need it on their asses someday. Force to be reckoned with.

No boys, so far. I'm actually really enjoying things this way. Maybe it's because I was with someone for so long, but I remember being really lonely whenever I didn't have a crush or an object of affection but now I'd say I really am satisfied with myself, seulement. Nothing to give to take. Feels like an important step I didn't realize I took.

Oh yes, journeying to Penn's woods this weekend to celebrate my twenty-second year. I'm hoping to drink adult beverages, make googallay eyes at cute boys, swim in a dirty lake, and wear cute dresses. Also hug a bunch of people I hain't seen in too long a while.

3:50 A.M.

right now:
the duchess and the duke
old crow kentucky straight bourbon whiskey
camel menthol lights
insomnia
lack of schoolwork
lonesomeness
ripped and fraying jeans
a plaid fouton and a woven wool blanket


lately:
finding new ways to put food together
books books books books
feeding my family
doing dishes
snuggling smokey, the wolfdog
making up summertime clothes
missing home
trying to figure out where that is
excitement for anything out of the ordinary
wanting to hold hands with some boy

she'll kiss you 'til your lips bleed

So. I quit smoking. About twenty-eight hours ago. So far it's terrible. I've basically sequestered myself in the house so that I won't be around cigarettes or be tempted by that delicious wall behind the counter at any gas station. I really do want to be done with all the ill effects of smoking (and there are one hell of a lot for an asthmatic with an addictive personality) but goddammit, I like cigarettes. They're tasty and comforting and make you look cool. I don't know what else I'll be able to supplement them with. I've been inhaling cinnamon gum and even got cinnamon toothpaste and that's helped marginally, but now my jaw is sore because I went through about ten sticks of gum today. I also think it's funny that I decided to quit because I went for a run and couldn't breathe and didn't do a lick of exercise today.

I went to lunch today with Troy M. Woodward, Esq. We ate Mexican food and talked about pot and how fucked up his side of the family is. It was actually really nice. He didn't ask me to come back to Jesus once. He also said that he'd help me get a car AND that he needs filing done at the office, which means Ashley gets overpaid under the table.

Going through my old music makes me want to make mixes galore. hopefully they'll get done and put in the mail.
Fuck. My life is reduced to a series of nothings. At least I'm eating well now.

redebut.

I moved out and officially disbanded milk house today. I'm on the floor of my mom's living room and I just got my first mosquito bite of the season. There's blood all over my foot.

I spent most of the drive here staring out the window and crying. It's strange; I know I don't want to be in Indiana anymore but at the same time I feel like I'm floundering and taking whatever falls into my lap. I think this summer will be a good one but whenever I come home I feel like I'm put back into fifteen year old Ashley's life with chores and dysfunction and no place to go.

I have a feeling that I'm going to be on the internet a lot more than I would readily admit this summer, as it's available and I've grown to dislike watching television. So, I guess I'm saying I'll see you around.

a rehashing of the same events

i feel too narcissistic to write about my life in here. it's generally the same formula: wake, work, play, sleep, and repeat. nothing's been particularly bad or life-alteringly good. i went on vacation with my family to the great western yonder and saw bears and fought over who got the frontseat.

new:
pair of jeans
ability to wear a bikini in public
long long hair

old:
bike
books
hand-me-down tshirts

lacking:
money
companions
car

enjoying:
porch-sitting
winking at cute boys when i'm on my bike
"evil" by interpol and "i don't believe you" by the magnetic fields.

untitled as of yet

hello.
i'd like to get back in the swing of things on here.

i'm sitting in the library and the fella to my left is bouncing his head along to the music just like me. i wonder what he's listening to. rachael is to my right reading livejournal.

we moved. to milk house nouveau. it's a really lovely apartment that makes it hard for me to sleep because my room is so bright and sunny and i need to sleep in a cave. so far summer's been pretty broke but also ruled very hard.

going to yellowstone with my family from the end of june until the middle of july. i'm not sure if i'll love it or go crazy or a strange melange of both. is that an english word? hm.

i'm still trying to figure out this whole boys thing. it's been a while since i've had a real hardcore crush on anyone and i'm not sure if that's because there is a serious lack of available material or if i'm not letting myself feel that because it's been even longer since i haven't been let down. here you go internet, have some neuroses.

i guess that's all. km and stef are gone and i think that is very, very stupid. and rachael is back in school which means no more midnight walks to the gas station. dumb.

thought of an idea for a new tat. me and kyle were going to get matching ships and i'm getting "brother see, we are one in the same" around it. he wanted to get jay-z lyrics. we'll see how that plays out.

100 Things Worth Doing, Part I

1. my grandmother guiding me through my first strawberry rhubarb pie

2. looking at my fresh gun tattoo thinking "i'd better live up to this."

3. finding letters in my college mailbox from my older brother once a week.

4. sharing a bed with my sister even though we have seperate beds.

5. watching my blackfeet grandmother shape frybread with her arthritic hands.

6. trying to coax our new puppy out from under the car where she was hiding as a five-year-old.

7. finally gathering up the courage to wear my hair curly.

8. walking on a path among grass that was higher than my head in ghana, and not being able to take my eyes away from more stars i've seen in my whole life.

9. sleeping in til noon in the south of france and waking up to a breakfast of fresh baguette and nutella.

10. being mistaken for a french girl in a shop in st. martin de crau

11. walking through the train tunnel and waiting for the eleven o'clock to rush by us.

12. looking up at my baby brother and realizing he is a good man.

13. hearing my 6'2, leather jacket-wearing, mohawk-sporting brother giggle at british comedies through the walls.

14. ringing in 2008 with my first new year's kiss.

15. reading e.e. cummings to a boy at four in the morning as he fell asleep on my belly.

16. bashing ex-boyfriends with my mother.

17. watching my grandma and her sister unable to stop laughing for the life of them.

18. making my dad laugh.

19. walking to the gas station in the middle of the night at least once a week.

20. spending the night at my grandmother's in the summertime with light blankets and the windows open.

21. the first time i swore to a professor and he didn't bat an eye.

22. laying in the oak grove with kurt in early october of our freshman year, watching the leaves move.

23. staying up until the early morning talking with my best friends about life and love and childhood memories.

24. my brother taking down a boy at a concert who tried to feel me up while i was dancing.

25. dancing with my little sisters in the kitchen.

ethics.

i think it's best to leave the hard moral questions to them what have hard morals.