Thursday, April 18, 2002

i'm trying so hard to keep my chin up and to smile and be pretty, keep going, ignore the bad, concentrate on the good. and it's getting to be too. much. i'm not saying i deserve to be pitied, but life does have problems and i'm not very good at dealing with the big ones. i pray with all my heart, but i'm never sure it's for the right thing. i lie in my bed singing songs to myself but they have no melody or words. breathe in and breathe out, day after day, i can do that much. it's not a matter of being alive but of staying alive. and i don't want it to be like that any more. i never wanted it to be like that. like this.

keep going, chin up, smile and be pretty. but it's not enoug, and it never will be. i just need loving arms that won't ask questions, that don't have drama and questions behind them. that don't need to understand, but do anyways. i need to wake up to '...and it was all a dream'. i need christa and a thousand nights beneath the stars and next to the ocean and a millon, billon, trillon days to relax and maybe, just maybe i'll get out of this okay. i need something more than what i've got and it lies between those two leatherbound books with my name engraved on them. hopefully, this time it will be okay. i can't say i've been through worse, but i've been through bad. and here i am, still alive, still trying to be alive. and i still have christa. i thank God for that.


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