I went to Mandy's today...then to Jon's, then back to Mandy's....I'm not sure what to write. I've gotten out of pratice, and now I don't know what to say. Mandy, Cory, and Beth are all moving. I'm not sure how to take the summer. I think it'll be good. I don't really want to be seperated from everything right now. Maybe certian people, but not everything. It would probably be good for me, though. I've gotten used to myself. I can spend time alone without going crazy thinking about other people.


I'm going through old poems on the computer, and I keep finding stuff I hardly remember writing. I usually write to songs, but I can't figure out which song I was listening to when I wrote this one:

It’s my turn now
And how I hate it
No guessing or fate
Nothing is fated
I am here in my mind
I’m gone in the next
Strawberries and plates
Settle for the best
Abstract windows
And crayon portraits
I could change the world
If I tried

Never oh no no no
Come twards again
leave me behind my friend
disconnected subways
take my breath away
and shoes fill my mind
but I wanna stay

Contradict the silence now
With my boring words
Telephones are ringing fast
Tell my hands to hurt
Buckets of pictures
come to paint the walls with me
measure time in length and width
volume of a crime in time

And it kind of sucks, and I don't care. I wish I were a lyrical genius, but I'm a ways away. I'll make it. Some day.

I'm getting tired of hopes and dreams. It's all I really have, but I'm just so sick of looking into the future, and knowing it's probably not going to happen, but I'm making it up anyways. I can't find anything to replace the future either. I need sitting time. I need CD's....good CD's. Mix ones, that have awesome songs on them (Garbage-When I Grow Up, Jane's Addiction-Jane Says, Smashing Pumpkins-Tonight Tonight, and of course, The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony).

Right now life is so boring. It's almost summertime, and I should be excited and happy and....alive. But I feel like a dead fish. Humor and intelect need to be restored in my life. My dad comes closest to having all of that, with experience and wisdom (some, at least). I just need to talk to someone who comes up with their own philosophies and doesn't adopt others for the wrong reasons. I feel like such a hypocrite with everything I say. I'm just not liking being here right now. I don't know where exactly I want to be, but it's probably not....I hate being pessimistic, but I'm so cynical right now. I don't know how I'll survive this summer.