Saturday, March 26, 2005


i don't know how much of this is me and how much is him but it seems like it's getting closer and closer to the l-word. which is terrifying, because what about next year and what about if he breaks my heart and there's nothing that i can do to protect against it because i'm too far gone but oh, he's so dreamy sometimes. there are these moments where i feel like i'm going to explode because i'm so happy and then i have to hold back tears just as quickly because i know that it'll end sometime. but i didn't ever quite realize why christa agonized over it because i thought i could be so spontaneous and jump into love headfirst but now that it's here i'm just as scared as she was.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

rainer maria's roses

o pure contradiction,
to be nobody's sleep
under so many eyelids

Sunday, March 20, 2005

endmusictoa film

i'm having an ifeelbadaboutmyself attack. the kind where i go through all of the things i'm doing wrong in my head and how i don't know what to do about college and i feel like i'm lying to everyone i know and i feel awful because i want to be having this amazing wonderful beautiful time but it's all getting overshadowed by what i'm doing wrong--and what's going wrong. and i feel sad inside, like at the end of a movie that doesn't go right and there's no consolation, just a slow song over ending credits.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

every new begining is some other begining's heartache

i hate how it always comes back to this tug of war. i don't want to be the one to cause problems because i know that they already think i'm a selfish, emotionally immature brat but i couldn't spend this summer away from everyone. this is really the last time that we're all going to be in high school and be able to be completely irresponsible and it's all of that ending and begining where the start and finish lines are painted the same color.

and i'm sorry that i've been a bad friend and paying too much attention to boys because i really love you and you're the only reason i've gotten to this point without more scars and terrible stories. and you're who i cry on and who i couldn't laugh harder with and i miss you and i miss that and i'm so sorry that i let myself get too busy for the best time of my life. because it's always been you. and i'm sick and tired of not having enough time and i'm so heartsick sad right now because i can't stand the idea of being away from you for that long with that family that doesn't seem to know anything about me--even though i'm supposed to be half of him. i wish he loved me half as well as you do.