Saturday, January 31, 2004

the thing about birthday cakes is they have no calories, she says. no matter how many slices, how many mouthfuls of sponge or buttercream frosting or chocolate glaze: still not a single calorie, or fat gram, and no carbohydrates either.

so what's in birthday cakes? i ask, being the scientific one.

happy vitamins, she says and stares hard at me, vitamins that make you feel good inside. some of them are for laughter, some for smiles, others for good sleep or even for remembering cool jokes when you need to impress someone.

really? i say.

really, she says.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Second day of school this week...a total of 10 hours put into learning today, minus three for gym and lunchtime. Youpee! I let Linnhe borrow my Sahara Hotnights CD that I never listen to, then showed it to Brenna, who is now borrowing it.

a lovestruck romeo...sings the streets a sernade...

Mia's dad said yes!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

i'm begining to hate this snowed in business. for the second day in a row, i've done nothing but read tamora pierce and watch a movie. and now i'm all out of dumb books [that i adore] to read.

there's supposed to be another blizzard tonight. so that means no school tomorrow, and, if the whole day isn't cancelled, a two-hour delay on thursday.

highlight of my day: swooning because daine and numair finally had their moment, and showed their true love for each other.
the universe is shaped exactly like the earth
if you go straight along enough, you'll end up where you were

Monday, January 26, 2004

It makes me mad that he's using the title of one of my favorite albums as a showcase for all that is emo, angst-ridden, and lame. 'Cause, seriously, there are a total of three songs that are sad on that album and the rest are so dancey and are much more indie rock than anything resembling 'emo'. So go shove your punk rock up your teenage angst, Andy Greenwald.

And take your Dashboard with it.
`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on` And how do you know that you're mad?'
`To begin with,' said the Cat, `a dog's not mad. You grant that?'
`I suppose so,' said Alice.
`Well, then,' the Cat went on, `you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.'

Sunday, January 25, 2004

"Orchards are simple a peach tree says 'some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you I grow because thats what I do' you always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says 'it's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches."
-- Tori; Under The Pink Songbook

i love this girl
i know, i know, i sold out, but here's my xanga. only i never update so it's boring. i just got it so i could comment on other people's.
i did absolutely jack squat this weekend. most productive part: watched empire records on vh1. Yeah. seriously. that was it. the buergers came over friday night but it wasn't anywhere near as much fun as it normally is. it was wierd. they left after everyone in our house had fallen asleep [including david] so yeah. and while i want to have a big snowball fight party tomorrow, mom and stan both have to work and i think it'd be kinda wierd if it was just us kids here. so tomorrow will be spent doing nothing, as well.


Saturday, January 24, 2004

it's snowing.

but i heard from someone that this is supposed to be the small one. =)

Thursday, January 22, 2004

i keep forgetting how much i love dancing in my underwear and being a total goof off. i mean, i'm standing here [well, sitting] in a headscarf and pretending to wear an abayah with my mom's shawl, dancing to the yes and not feeling at ALL insecure. it's such a wonderful lovely feeling. and it's amazing how much music does that to me. maybe it's the whole being raised with movies thing, wanting a soundtrack to my life constantly and trying to emphasize that, but...i don't know. i can do anything. long live tshirts and cotton panties. i have no desire whatsoever to grow up. i just...i really love....

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo-da
don't surround yourself with yourself
Half day of school today. Kyle and I went with our grandma to see Big Fish. Good film, ladies and gentlemen. I recommend it wholeheartedly. I think I'll see it again, soon, and buy it when it comes out.

I've been listening to the Polyvinyl Sampler all day. I keep meaning to burn it for Brother Buerger, but I can't get it out of my stereo for long enough.

Mom told me I can't wear the pants of four thousand holes until I patch the ones showing my rump. Sigh. More sewing. Speaking of which, I have string art due tomorrow for Geometry. BUT! Midterms are over, and I can stop having that recurring nightmare where I fail French.

Talked to Skyler today. He can blow bubbles with his spit and make farting noises with his hands. I'm so insanely jealous.

The snow outside is so beautiful in patches, but is slushed together with gravel and mud and is generally unaesthetic. Dirty snow is such ananethema to me.

heh, heh, I looked at my floor and saw the roll of brown paper towels I stole from the bathroom at school. Good times.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

got my hot-hot pumas and tried to pull off mismatching shades of brown. didn't work so i just stared at their beautiful brown suede all day.

one more week in this apartment
one more week of being haunted
by the ghost of what should have been

Reed couldn't do his string art heart today in Geometry. Made me laugh. Goofy kid. Linnhe dates boys! Yay!

and in other news:
my shirt sleeve's hem twists around my arm, and i wore my hair curly today.

jeeze i feel so boring.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Buergers came over last night, after an uneventful weekend at dad's. We watched Holes and Daddy Day Care and had a super good time. Brother Buerger is my favorite of anything ever. He burned me all the Radiohead CDs I don't have, except Hail to the Thief, and "Loved" by The Cranes, which is pretty depressing, but I really like #2. Then again, it might just be depressing because I'm sitting in my room with the lights off.
We stayed up till 12:30 last night because of the two-hour delay and I seriously expected school to be canceled and yelled at mom when she woke me up at 8:30. It was really good times. I didn't study at all either, because I thought I could do that today, but nope! I did my study guide for french the period before it was due, three pages typed, take that. I think I did pretty well on my English midterm, and French was one of the book tests, so that was probably passed too. But tomorrow I have Biology II, which will make me explode, and Geometry, which I haven't studied at all for. Ahh and there's the Academy Awards tomorrow night at church and I don't have a dress. And I'll probably have to shave my legs. This stinks. I just shaved 'em Saturday night. Man, staying unstinky is so much work.
Half day Thursday. Mom suggested a movie. I really want to go out for lunch tho. But I don't know where. I wish Market was open on Thursdays. Or that they'd change the bloody half day to Friday. I could do with some mac and cheese.
This kid Kyle from my Bio II class said he saw me on Saturday, even though I was in Maryland. He's cool. He sits behind me. I enjoy how he talks.
I got the sudden urge to read Wolf Speaker, so I'm off to make myself stupider through reading instead of much-needed studying.

Friday, January 16, 2004

- SolidI'm doing; recipe for a perfect taking pieces of my best friends like MIa did

and a pinch of...

Ashley-for the music in her veins

that made my day four times over.

off to maryland we go.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

i dream about my friend patrick a lot. i haven't seen him since my birthday party, but i always imagine him there, right next to me. i pretend, sometimes, that i am the most confident woman in the world, and i stroll down hallways and walkways and cruise in the car with my head held high and a swinging gait hoping to draw someone's attention and have them think that i'm not trying to draw their attention. but the only reason i keep my head high is so people don't see the double chin that runs in my family, and i'm embarassed all these extra pieces on me that i'm not supposed to have. i have a big family, so i can usually do just about anything in a crowd--except stop thinking about how my stomach looks on the sides. but i like certain things about me. i like my lips, when i'm wearing cherry chapstick, and the freckles i get on my face after a week at the beach. i like the way my thighs look in jeans after i've worn them once. i like my affinity for color, and making large crowds of girls laugh. i like it when people talk to me even if i don't know them. i like how my friends are so different from each other. i don't like it when i feel like i have no friends. i like the way skirts feel, but i hate my calves, so i don't wear them a lot. i was in a band, in eighth grade, called chasing tempo, and we never practiced together, but we wrote an entire spiral notebook full of songs about a group of girls called the barbie klan. i complain about not being able to get a date, but it's usually not because i'm lonely, it's because i'm vain. i'm embarassed about how much i look at myself in mirrors, and how many clothes i have that i don't wear. i don't like how my hips transition to my thighs, but you can't tell if i'm wearing clothes. i'm embarassed of how i look if my hair doesn't have any body. i get soup and salad every day at lunch, and when i get home, i eat two microwavable chimichangas, telling myself i'm making up for lost time. i'm reading an enthnogrophy of an iraqi village and a fantasy novel about a heroine who can speak to animals. i crave beethoven and taco bell. i don't have any dressy clothes, and i get scared to go shopping for clothes anywhere but thrift stores.

so there. judge as you will.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Girls Day Out was super duper fun. We went to McDonalds and the mall and saw Mona Lisa smile and Wal-Mart and now I have a new pair of shoes and a manicure. Ahh good times. Mom complained about buying me new pants all day today cause I'm wearing my seductive thigh-hole ones. Whateva. I'm complaining in my head about how fat I am but I never actually do anything about it. It's stupid. Anyways, I'm going to go stuff my face with microwavable chimichangas now.

you're having the time of my life.

Friday, January 09, 2004

From a November article in GQ, by Rory Evans:

"...Compared to the other men in Hollywood's 18-to-34-year-old bin, [Colin Farrell] does seem like the most compelling character. Leonardo DiCaprio drives a car that runs on batteries. Josh Hartnett lives in St. Paul, and Ben Affleck is supposedly sober. Farrell, in contrast, rents a whatever car, has fathered a child without getting roped into marriage (his son was born to model Kim Bordenave in September), likes to get laid and, even better, likes to talk about it--a lot."

So, to break this down, Mr./Ms. Evans is against environmentally friendly modes of transportation, the Twin Cities, and sobriety for alcoholics. In the "compelling" category you'll find, "whatever cars," men who are unable to land a model even when they've managed to impregnate her, and people who like discussing sex--a lot.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

So after crying my eyeballs dry and yelling at mom and Kyle, Mr. Z didn't do much more than tell me it's another 5 points off my grade. And that I'm worthless and should've been killed at birth, but that's become more of a mantra than an insult. I was singing whir today walking through the halls and for the first time in a while, I was perfectly content walking by myself. I wished the hall to the bathroom from Geometry went on forever but I eventually got there. If I ever got a big house the only reason I'd want it is for an intercom system with hidden speakers everywhere so that I can listen to my music and have it just be, instead of the constant fast forwarding and rewinding and changing that reminds me it's not floating, it's eminating.
I'm depressed now, probably from not being nice to anyone yesterday. But I'm almost done Wild Magic and about to suck up Wolf Speaker.
but i wanna let her know
that i wanna let it go
blew, blew, blew away
but i don't wanna go
blew blew i love you blew....

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

I just realsed rosée means dew, and arosé means sprinkled.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

alis singing staci's mom on her bratz karaoke machine. i can't remember whether i was into anything really popular when i was a kid or not. i was really jealous of all the cool rich kids with pogs because we didn't get any until the last three days that people didn't trade them in for pokemon. psh. pokemon.

nine things around my computer
empty blue cup
wire sculpture
two cd booklets
fish with red lipstick, teeth, and a heart tattoo
first band on the moon THE CARDIGANS

Monday, January 05, 2004

O souvenirs! printempts! aurore!
Doux rayon triste et réchauffant!
-Lorsqu'elle était petite encore,
Que sa soeur était tout enfant
Connaissez-vous sur la colline
Qui joint Motlignon à Saint-Leu
Une terrasse qui s'incline
Entre usombre et le ciel bleu?
C'est là que nous vivions -Pénètre,
Mon coeur dans ce passé charmant!
Je l'entendais sous ma fenêtre
Jouer le matin doucement
Elle courait dans la rosée,
Sans bruit, de peur de m'éveiller,
Moi, je n'ouvrais pas ma croisée,
De peur de la faire envoler

Ses frères naient...-Aube pure!
Tout chantait sous ces frais berceaux,
Ma famille avec la nature,
Mes enfants avec les oiseaux!

Il l'a ecrit quand sa fille est morte.
15 Years Ago, I:
1. was one
2. lived in massachusetts
3. had curly hair
4. was the youngest of two children
5. sang 'oh boy, i got joy' constantly

10 Years Ago, I:
1. was six
2. lived in maryland
3. was best friends with lisa martland
4. played x-men with my brothers
5. loved kickball on our street

6 Years Ago, I:
1. was ten
2. thought i was a hippie
3. started my period
4. met christa
5. was obsessed with hanson, tamora pierce, and jewel

4 Years Ago, I:
1. got my heart broken by nick
2. moved to montana
3. got my first kiss-during a james bond movie having bad breath
4. found out my parents were getting a divorce
5. went out with a boy for 18 hours [his name was colt]

1 Year Ago, I:
1. loved warner
2. went on an art and poetry kick that resulted in two journals and a friendship with ryan
3. was in love with fruity and broken hearted that he didn't pick me--but consoled myself with dashboard
4. found out people aren't perfect
5. remembered my faith

this two kinda blur together

6 Months Ago, I:
1. went to EFY-met a cute boy-who never called until christmas eve.
2. saw flogging molly with my big brother and got to see him grinning his face off at his first concert
3. made friends with stan
4. realized how quickly time moves
5. saw the aurora borealis

1 Month Ago, I:
1. was loving school
2. had a big secret crush on you know who
3. made honor roll-maybe that was october
4. made friends with linnhe-maybe that was november.
5. fell in love with shopping all the time

1 Week Ago, I:
1. was in florida
2. got a bass guitar
3. had another secret crush-this time you don't know who.
4. made a pretty skirt
5. blew 50 bucks on food and fabric

Yesterday (2), I:
1. came home from maryland
2. stressed about school
3. found my room clean
4. went to giant with mia for two seconds
5. re-discovered all my missing things that mom found [sunglasses, pices iscariot, underwear]

Today (3), I:
1. went back to school
2. learned how to say dead poets society in german- Der Club der toten Dichter
3. made pizza rolls
4. invited heather james over but she has yet to call
5. wished my hair was long enough for a ponytail after pinning it up

Tomorrow (4), I:
1. will turn in my french project about my grandma
2. will go over to said grandma's house after school
3. will develop film in third period [if i get them taken]
4. will go to youth group after not having been since the christmas party
5. will hopefully be waiting for that shirt

5 Snacks I Enjoy:
1. pizza rolls
2. doritos
3. sparkling cider and choclate covered almonds
4. choclate dip and strawberries
5. bologna

5 Games I Like:
1. volley ball
2. slap jack
3. trivial pursuit
4. the depth perception game
5. the band game-where you name bands in alphabetical order

5 Things I'd Buy With $1000:
1. clothes. oh man, clothes. everything on tigerlily and crackers and honey and ohh man clothes.
2. shoes. does that count as clothes? shoes.
3. plane ticket to and from christa's--for her and me
4. a chinese food place. cause obviously they only cost like 2 dollars
5. cds. everything in ikos and lots of movies too

Top 5 Musicians (Artists) Lately:
1. smashing pumpkins-as always and always
2. steve miller band
3. the violent femmes
4. dance hall crashers
5. flogging molly

5 Bad Habits I Have:
1. biting my nails instead of cutting them short
2. slouching
3. putting myself down
4. not bathing. often.
5. not putting any effort into something when it doesn't require it

5 Interests at the moment:
1. getting that lesson done by tonight--not gonna happen
2. french.
3. reading
4. writing in journals
5. watching movies.

5 TV Shows I Like:
1. arrested development
2. the simpsons
3. most extreme elimination challenge
4. saturday night live
5. scrubs

3 Places I've Lived:
1. louisiana
2. maryland
3. dallastown/red lion

My Top 5 Biggest Worries at the Moment:
1. not getting that lesson done and looking like a tardo in front of people i want to think i'm intelligent [bro. buerger]
2. failing all my midterms
3. parents messing up my life
4. never finding anyone who thinks i'm pretty and not retarded
5. letting life pass me by

My Top 5 Biggest Joys at the Moment:
1. the fact that i'm listening to flogging molly-and i can hear them in my head at the same time singing for real
2. reading the winter of our discontent slowly and absorbing all of the language
3. kyle giggling loudly
4. mom's got a job, and thusly money, and thusly i'll get those pumas and those shirts
5. we're having family home evening for the first time in ten years tonight-even tho i'm teaching the lesson

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Florida and back--now I'm sunburned ever so slightly and wishing I was back there having fun in the sun again. Let's see. we hung out where donna grew up till sunday [northern florida...not sure where, per se.] had a good time. we set out and got to orlando sunday night, then went to universal studios on monday and tuesday. it was all kinda a blur. i had a very good time. didn't wear a jacket once, got sunburned on my face from walking around all day. it was so wonderful. rode big scary roller coasters and had an anxiety attack in line for hte hulk [at least, the first time around] and screamed loudly. mike nihms came with the family, so that was just another super cool kid along for the ride. it was laughs all the time. krissie and i made skirts. mine's navy blue and flowy and i love it so much but i doubt i'll be able to wear it until at least march tho because it's around knee legnth. i hate being cold now. i'm with mia all the way, sun all the time. the ride home was lots of fun. i didn't pee my pants once, and kyle is a good conversationalist, PLUS i got to control the music. so i came home, and mom cleaned our room! like really freakin clean. and she got me an audrey calender, but krissie has already gotten me a "Fifties at home" calender that i love. i don't know what i'm gonna do with two, but i'm willing ot bet i'll be alright. i thought about mandy a lot, and mia. i think i'm losing weight. it's a good feeling. it may very well be psychological, but hey, no worries. i can wear my world fair shirt now with jeans and not freak out over being fat all day. or maybe it's just the company i was in.
i want a drumset. i keep listening to sugarhigh lip synching the words pretending mia's in a miniskirt next to me and i'm a super rock star saving the empire. so yeah. i really do want to do that. i think colby shue is a good candidate for guitarist. that is, if i ever get that drumset.
call me, please. having a good time. clean rooms'll do that to ya.
oh yes, the shirt mia gave me made me feel gorgeously awesomely 70s.
midday anonymous by jets to brazil, again. i think i'll go doodle in my journal. i hate how i have 3 right now--super nice leather lined one, huge leather sketchbook, and little sketchbook the size of my hand. i don't know which i want to write in. but i think i'm gonna only write in french in that leather one. good goal. i didn't make any new years resolutions, but i did hear cheap trick play surrender and i want you to want me in the first few hours of the new year. so maybe that's an omen. or kick-spanky cool, take your pick.