I never understand this sadness inside of me. I can't tell if it's always there or only pops up when the weather's not right and I've been sleepwalking my way through life or if it's always there, just under my skin, and you can see through me in the right lighting to the frowns inside.

I took today off, as Mia suggested. But I still don't know how to fix this. I have this incessant need to fix things and analyze everything. Momma says it isn't healthy and I should try to just relax and rest. He says if everyone has crazy inside of them, then it's not really crazy.

maybe.

I've been kinda apathetic lately-not really knowing what to do with myself. Indifferent. All too happy to sit alone and do nothing, sometimes thinking.

But, I read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader last night and fell asleep with my eyes lingering on the map in the back of the book.

I want to go to the Utter East and drink liquid light and see a mermaid tending a flock of fish.



But I'm stuck here.

Our posse stayed after school on Friday to paint the art wing's floor. The Myers is planning on making kids run headfirst into each other with the warped designed and we were all too glad to help. My jeans are beyoutimous and paint splattered now, as Roxie insisted I wipe up spilled paint with my butt and I am the least graceful person alive. Showed Neal what real emo is and wanted to punch him in the face and win his approval at the same time. ew.

Mia and I spent the night drivnig in the car, making barfing noises and laughing. We came home and watched I Am Sam [me for the second time, her for the first]. I ditched Ryan on Saturday to watch Gods and Generals. Big mistake. It was 4 hours of the same battle sequence, same redundant speech, some lemonade bit, and giant beards attacking one another. I fell asleep in the aisle [my seat was too cold so I moved] and tried to pretend the Civil War didn't happen. I came home to find Amanda sitting eating sushi with my family and she spent the night. We made disgustingly delicious milkshakes and she yelled at me for talking in my sleep. I woke up with a stomach ache and after taking Manda home ended up staying home from church [and the fireside!]. I pulled a Molly Mormon-Emotional Gimp and asked my mom if she was SURE it was okay that I stayed home, I feel like a really bad president, I probably can go even though I may throw up.... BUT! I spent my time wisely and wrote Warner a super awesome letter [jam-packed with goodies] and painted and read poetry and listened to gorgeous classical music.

current music: mascara by killing heidi
current mood: apprehensive

i'm begining to think
that you drove me to drink....

Oh gracious.

The wedding was amazing, to say the least. However, it seems like the joining of 16 people instead of the usual two. I adore my new family [and old one, bien sur]. We got snowed in on Sunday. Mother Nature decided that the Ostlund-Woodward-Harkness clan should stay together as long as possible, and we did. I didn't change clothes for 4 days straight, but forced myself to this morning because the smell was getting overwhelming. We spent our time making up new games [Maren's favorite is closing and opening my mouth. hours of amusement]

I think I might be comming closer and closer to jumping off the edge and falling headfirst into love. I'm taking my big sister's advice [I HAVE A BIG SISTER!!!] and enjoying where we are right now without analyzing and nitpicking at what I'm feeling. And I think that's awfully wise.

Life's good right now. I am related to 10 new amazing people that I adore, and my big sister is one of the most amazing indviduals I've ever ever met. Christa is enamored of her as well, so if you doubt me, ask her. =)

Hey, guess what.

I love you.

Quick update:
Just went out with Ryan, couldn't see Chicago [again] but we're planning on it for Monday.
Planning to call lemonade later, see if he wants to play.
GOING TO SEE ZWAN IN 45 DAYS AND COUNTING [cue high-pitched girly screams. think beatles.]
my left eye is hurting
i made roxie and ydnam cds today

exciting, neh?

current music: in your wake by matt skiba
current mood: unsettled

Conversation Remembered

[while watching Ken and Kel theme song]
Me: Wow, Coolio's so....cool.
Kyle: Duh, Ashley. How do you think he got his name??

SAT MAR 29, 2003 7:30PM
TOWSON CENTER ARENA
DOORS OPEN AT 6PM
ZWAN
AND
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

This nonsense with the pink-haired boy and friend is weighing too heavy on my mind.
I need to breathe in. Stop thinking for a while. Be rid of it all.
New Realization is still jumping in and out of my head [probably because I'm still listening to it], but now it seems awfully appropriate.
Love ya, babe, really do.
current music: cadillac of high hair by paris, texas
current mood: anxious