Sunday, April 29, 2001

It's late. I love night time. Why does reality have to ruin it? I wish I could live forever at night on Christa's trampoline, or staying up late eating Hot Pockets and mint choclate chip ice cream and watch DPS. I wish that I didn't have to face all of my wonderful peers tomorrow (bleh). Wishing doesn't really get me anywhere, though.

I can't figure out what's going to happen this summer. I want Christa to come up here and see all the sights, and I know she'd love that. But I also wanna go back down there....I guess the only thing I'm really attached to there is her, but I still want to try and recreate what happened last summer. That was the time of my life. Truly.

I feel horrible. I just realized I don't have Dreams on my Napster. How dare I. lol....Memories are wonderful.

I guess I'm more or less happy right now, and I'd rather live it than write about it. So good night.
Church is...hrmm. Most of the girls my age are very content. No reason to try and look beyond people's faces. No reason to find out why, just how. People older than me are, well, older than me. They live a very different life than me. And I don't resent that, I just wish I had someone to talk to.
I don't really want to write about what I'm feeling. 1) I have no idea what it is, as it changes so quickly 2) last time I did it didn't end up the greatest....

Tuesday, April 24, 2001

It's funny how well I can fool myself into thinking what I want. I've done it to the point that I thought I was getting good grades so that I wouldn't lose any sleep. Now this. Now I'm making myself belive how wonderful I must be. It's strange that you're so much more confident about liking someone when you're not around them. I'm almost sure he's in love with me when I'm around my friends, then we talk...and boom. It hits me that maybe nothing is going on. My imagination goes overboard sometimes....

I'm the mascott for Ashley's softball team. Finially, an excuse to dress up like a duck. I'll make them change thier name if I have to. What kind of softball team is named "blue jays"? "The Ducks" strikes so much more fear.
They won 4-1. Go Slashly =)
I want to be free from all this. I need a vacation. But I would still think there....I'd like to be brainwashed for the day. I know, I'm being horrible. But I'm so used to wanting everything, not having it. And now that it's within reach, it's hard to do anything. I don't want to admire from afar, but getting up close is going to be so hard. STUPID STUPID argh...I hate feeling.
I'm being corny. I'm over analyzing. I'm blowing things out of proportion. But I can't help thinking that this really is something. That this is really happening. It's too soon to tell if I'm getting anything back. For a while I was, and's vauge. I don't like being uncertian. I don't want to feel this way about anyone unless they feel it back.
I ask everyone for advice, I tell everyone everything. And somehow that makes it less real, but more wonderful. I'm the one getting the attention (being a four....=) ) so it's okay at school. I'm so....ARGH...stupid stupid stupid stupid boy....
I'm sick of talking about this, much less of writing it. Good bye.

Monday, April 23, 2001

I know, I know, I'm copying Christa. Hey, it's a compliment, right?


What is happening? What is really really going on with us? You'll say something that makes me so happy, but I can't ever tell what you're thinking. I can't decipher you. I can't ever figure you out. How you take things, what's your perspective. These are the questions I long to know the awnser to, yet they remain un-awnsered. Music and words are my life, and you are so much more than both. Every day I love you more, and every day I love you less. Deciding which day it is confuses me. Maybe I should just forget trying.

"God help me this time
I'm really trying to try
I just feel like I'm waiting
for nothing
I float on a line
my hearts been pounding all day
like I've been running away
I know this evening you'll be sleeping
where I wanna be
maybe I'll just run away
till I cry you out of me
we could meet in my mind
leave this all behind
I just wanna taste you
and face you
reflect in your eyes
maybe I'll just run away
Till I cry you out of me...."

I feel like that most of the time...all I can think about is you, and every once in a while I'll forget. And I can't tell whether to feel guilty, or to be relived. Because I don't know how you feel, or how you think I feel. I know I shouldn't base how I'm going to act on what others think. I can't tell the ground from the sky, or your face from my heart. Maybe the lines are blurring, maybe the sun is fading. Maybe my vision is leaving me....

Tsk tsk, bad Ashley. It's monday...argh. Over the last week I've been trying to get to the MxPx concert, fighting with my mom about the aforementioned, or making up with my mom. It's gotten to the point that I can probably go, but the tickets are sold out. Stupid teeny boppers...die Good Charlotte. Nick may be able to get us tickets, but that's a VERY slim possiblity. I'll just butter him up at school tomorrow.....There's so many things happening in my life, I doubt I could even put them into words. Turmoil, bliss, anger, and new beginnings....everything is happening so quickly. At least I have my punk to keep me company.

Monday, April 16, 2001

Today was a good day. School wasn't as horrible as I anticipated. Ariel's over, and I'm in a silly mood. =) I'll say more when I don't have to be entertaining. But it's fun anyways.

Thursday, April 12, 2001

I'm happy. Thats it. I haven't been happy in a while. The sun is down, I'm wearing my comfy PJ's, and I have someone to think about. It's all real, it's all very monotone, but I'm excited anyways. I am carefree. I could even clean my room. Not that I will.... ;)
Am I supposed to feel this way? Is there even a way to feel when it comes to things like this? I'm so confused....I've spent the past couple of days listening to love songs, and good songs, but I nothing can change my mood. Not the essence. Not what I'm thinking about. Maybe I'll just run away. If I haven't already. Hiding sounds so wonderful and safe, but being scared makes me feel so much more alive. The limelight is fading away from me, and I don't like that. Maybe things are happening that I can't see, maybe it's all right in front of me, but I'm expecting it to be far away. Am I looking in the right places? Am I supposed to be looking? I love this....I love.

After my repeated calls to Christa's house, I finially got in touch with her. She said something had happened, but I didn't get any clear details. I didn't get any details, actually. I hope everythings okay....

I don't want to be selfish, but I am having a great time loving life. I am in love. I love this....I love.
"I'm Afraid of Britney Spears" by Liveonrealease, stuff crust pizza, and nice weather. I wish Christa was here. I am in a good chilling mood.

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

Quiz results as to "what type I am":
You are the Girl Next Door

Cute, fun, and sweet, you're Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, and Meg Ryan all rolled up into one — the perfect Girl Next Door. Naturally pretty, unpretentious, and generous, you demand your share of respect, but you aren't particularly high-maintenance. What's your ideal date? Probably a Blockbuster night — you don't mind skipping an evening on the town if it means getting some old-fashioned snuggling on the sofa. Careful yet spontaneous, you're a little bit of the Guy's Girl, a smidge of Sorority Sister (the nice kind), and just a hint of the Hippie Chick. But you've got an appeal that's all your own, which is why the guys can't stay away. People are attracted to your strong values and traditional ways. Your winning smile, bright eyes, and loving nature will make anyone want to hold on tight and never let go.

What do you think?
I know, I know. I'm lazy. But its not entirely my fault! I went to stay at the Skoch's house over the weekend, and I forgot my password. Bad Ashley! But I guess I'll fill you in on everything [well, most things ;)].

Friday (when I left): hung out, stayed up till two, went to bed.
Saturday: went to the mall, got an MXPX CD and a brush, hung out, stayed up till two watching Dumb and Dumber, went to bed
Sunday: had to wake up before ten, went to church, convinced my mom to let me stay one more night, went for a walk, got chased by hill-billies, stayed up watching a movie (Sphere, I think), got tired in the middle, went to bed
Monday: stayed home alone until 1 PM, sat around, sat around some more, ate dinner, hung out in Warner's room for a while, went to bed
Tuesday: Went to school with Warner! How cool am I? I was his older sister Danielle who lives in Louisiana and goes to McNeese...we were even told we look alike, but for my not having dimples =) Catlin and Krissie spent the night. Not trying to be mean, but I had more fun when they weren't there. But I still did enjoy myself.
Wednesday: Got up 1 1/2 hours before everyone, took phone messages, watched Chicken Run, and came home.

Here I am! Home sweet home...I'm not quite sure I'll be able to take it when school goes back. I have had such an awesome spring break so far. I know its not true, but it seems like school is the root of all my problems. I do cause them, but that enviorment doesn't really help too much. And now I'm getting kicked off the computer, so I won't be able to fufill my promise of making up for all the time I missed. Darn ;)

Monday, April 02, 2001

Time is a good thing. Perhaps one of the best things. It changes everything, usually for the better. But oh, can it frustrate someone.

School today. Once again. It's not quite as tedious now. I think I know why, but I'm not willing to say it in writing yet. I know its true, and hope it will be true for a long time, perhaps forever. I just don't want anyone to know until I do...