Today in church we had a wonderful lesson about marriage. I've been feeling rather resentful towards the whole marriage thing lately, as if it's my duty to get married, have the standard 5 Mormon kids and sit at home all day doing nothing but cleaning. I don't ever want to be the unhappy housewife. Today really rejuvinated my desire to get married in the Temple and to live happily. I know I won't be unhappy if I follow the path. So now I'm listening to "How Firm A Foundation" and basking in the churchey goodness of it all.

Last night I went to Charmcity with Kayla and Roxie, to see a bunch of bands. I didn't know it was going to be hardcore, and felt rather uncomfortable during most of the sets. Everyone seemed rather unhappy and it really was catching, even though the last band was really good emo. I got their CD [they're called Rockets and Bluelights-check 'em out] and it sounds a bit like Rainer Maria's early stuff, lots of yelling and interesting chord progressions. Jokes were born, candy was eaten, and cartwheels were turned. Anywho, I stepped outside for the majority of the bands playing and sang Primary songs to myself. I came home sad because of the lack of Spirit and wanting Christa, and had a truly wonderful conversation with the new love of my life, Ian. He made me gasp continually at the lovely things he said.

The Young Women leaders in my ward are amazing. They do so much for us, we always have a little treat from Sister Morgenegg, quotes from the lesson typed up from Sister Wagner, and other beautiful tidbits, usually on brightly colored floral paper. =) I love Mormon culture. Anywho, I thought the Young Women should give them a suprise dinner party thanking them for all the effort they put into their callings. I was thinking chicken in an Alfredo sauce over pasta-angel hair of fettucuini, I can't decide [or spell, for that matter].

Oh my, life is good right now. It almost feels like summer. Soundtrack moment: "Walking On Sunshine" by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies-I feel like dancing around my living room.

I was hesitant about taking my little sister along to the movies with Mia and me. To be quite honest, she can be...well, quite a little sister sometimes. Partially out of guilt, I told her she could come along. Once we got to the mall, Melissa and I crawled around the book store and Mia and I traded wedgies. We dressed up like drunken drag queens in Claires and mustered up all the grace of our sex to wave at the people staring in the window passing by. After the movie Melissa suggested she dive into the trash can. As her attempts were unsuccessful, I did my duty as an older sister and helped her on her way in. As we walked out of the theater, she found a piece of popcorn in her hair, shared her find with us, and promptly ate it. We couldn't find my owner who came to pick us up so we frolicked in the many and various puddles in the parking lot. The car was finally discovered, and as I looked in the trunk for something for us to sit on, who did I see, but low and behold, Cody. Cody is a boy in many of my classes who insists I listen to "poser music". Hrmm. Stupid boy. Anywho, I stuck my tounge out at him and hopped in the car. Fun fun fun.

"Turn therefore from the common themes to those which your everyday life affords; depict your sorrows and desires, your passing thoughts and belief in some kind of beauty -depict all that with heartfelt, quiet, humble sincerity and use to express yourself the things that surround you."
-Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

Although, a quote from Winston Churchill seems to be more appropriate: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Breathing seems to be the trick to getting through anything. That, music, and trust in something you've never quite seen but know is true nontheless.

Right now, "Prayer of the Children" by Inside Out.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting often, or in large quantities. Lately, life has been rather mundane--that is to say, it's only made me feel mundane. I do long for summer and warm weather and sleeping with the windows open and fans on with nothing covering you at night. However, I think that winter months are necessary for me to understand the relief of flowers and warmth.

I feel so melancholy and blank right now. I found the perfect picture in Spilling Open but we don't have a scanner and I don't know enough html, anyways.

Nothing ever seems to work out quite right. Vroom's "....Throws Like A Girl" is on repeat right now and I really want to spend my night staying up past 2 doing nothing productive. Meh.

I was going to add Ariel to the previous list of Favorite Things, but this one is so good I honestly think it deserves it's own post:

polarREL: smiling just b/c, laughing so hard you want to cry, pull and peel clouds, bubbles, morning dew, sunrises, monkeys, pictures of when you are little, long distance phone calls, swings, painting, charcoal, snowmen, sushi, singing at the top of your lungs, day dreaming, being with friends, cold showers on hot days, every song ever made/sung by the beatles, wanting to be able to fly, green plastic balls, jelly bellys, glow in the dark ceiling stars, new shoes, lollypops, whirly ball, writing with a sharpie, making people smile, hugs from my mommy, jew sing-a-longs, trampleans, balloons, soap on a rope, the game kerplunk, starbucks mocca fraps, ninja turtles, sleeping bags, the feeling of clay running through my hands, snuggling, staci's feather sofa, getting mail, mix cd's, water colors, holding hands, stretch jeans, five hour telephone calls, lava lamps, magic carpets, candles, sprinkles on ice cream, tank tops with built in bras, mini umbrellas, ducks, pajamas, ping-pong, my bed, keychains, having a secret crush, funny movies, bowling, sleding, sleeping in late, staying up until 4 in the morning talking on IM, pillow fights, little kids, cows jumpimg over the moon, forrest gump, year books, baking cookies, water slides, childrens books that have such good meanings, poems, full moons, fire works, dancing in the rain, birthday cards, board games, hot chocolate, one way streets, lucy in the sky with diamonds, book stores, art class, busA, rubber duckies, the clapper, sunglasses with rhinestones, recliners, driving the blue beast/tank, dancing in a jock-strap, staci's dirty magazines, patricks happy circles, starting a new trend, hulla hoops, colored mascara, shirley temple curls, bing in convertables on a highway, making up words, writing in my journal, wheres waldo books, dried flowers, the color of my new room, modesty feathers, beautiful beaches, the feeling of sand on your feet, stick figures, whole punch dots, watching ian try to dance, rings given to you by special people, shopping, love potion number nine, playing with moving men, water balloon fights, first kiss, loud music, giving people love bites, pasta, stary nights in Arizona, homer simpson, petting soft thing, comfy clothing, half birthdays, when leaves change colors in the fall, blowing on glass then writng something, diming lights, mobeals, jew camp, the name Fenord, the color unbrushed tooth, chest children, meeting new people, sunsets, roller coasters, being in love.
Punkyelhsa: I love you
polarREL: =)
polarREL: i love you too
Punkyelhsa: I think you're one of the most postively amazing people I've ever known.
polarREL: !!!!!=)
polarREL: happiness
polarREL: i have soething to add to my list!
Punkyelhsa: yay!
Punkyelhsa: go ahead
polarREL: how ashely makes me feel when she says something that only she in her utmost beauty is capable of saying
Punkyelhsa: A grin slowly crept onto my lips and I don't think it has any intentions of leaving. =)

I think everyones lives would be better if they just took advice from The Beatles; All You Need Is Love, and if there is a question, there will be an answer, Let It Be.

More Favorite Things:

the ocean, baths, lavender, rosemary, basil and tomato, sunday dinners that are really just a late lunch, watching things [and people] grow, smell, pictures, drawings, notes, anything scrawled, presents, Box O' Happys.

Favorite Things

Mandy:
you, heidi, ian, kisses, punk rock, skanking, aaaaaand chapstick oh!! and my polaroid camera and paint the end.

Ian:
i like...MR.Yuk stickers, caution tape, mc.donalds balloons, SPORKS, velcro, road signs, cactuses, GRASS [pretty grass not the ugly stuff], milk shakes, winter, heavy blankets that feel secure, watching and commenting on tv with friends, BIG choclate muffins, happy making music, having an inspiration to do somethhing, blue pens, riding the public bus, making sandcastles that no one will distroy forever, stuff that reflects, stuff that glows, pictures of fun memories, playing in the snow

Mia:
i like um..- blue, and fuzzy... i like cats- and pugs... yellow roses- and pink glads um... smell of cut grass, the air right before it rains, working outside, talking with friends, shopping, laughing, smiling, not caring, um...- i like: hugs and kiss es, i like movies that make you smile- and cry, i like swiming and eating, doing my hair and "dressing up" making movies with barbies, playing with barbies period, listening to good music, painting- or drawing, reading a whole book, just sitting, people watching

Staci:
the sky, movies, my friends, food, snow, the way winter smells, seeing people laugh and smile, making people happing, flowers, the way everything has a smell, magazines, kirby's laugh, natalies laugh, inside jokes, water, paintings, everyone's inner beauty, thinking, sleeping, and my dreams

charles:
Playin/writing music, listening to music, people, playing guitar, being in front of crowds, overcast windy cold weather, not being alone

Ashley [that's me, kiddos]:
baking, experimenting with food, sneakers, jeans, bagpipes, soft tissues, my grandma, friends, wind, cold, heat, feeling alive, music that must've been written for you, punk rock, ska, sleeping in, getting up early, the sky, clouds, grass, dancing with little girls, bowling, stars, 200 glow in the dark stars and two people you love, sitting and thinking, falling asleep during car trips, hours spent online talking and writing and looking and reading, the punk bench, learning to skateboard, summer, painting, creating, longer-than-expected phone calls where you know you should get off because it's been 2 hours but you just cannot hang up for the life of you, believing something so strongly that it becomes a knowledge, car trips, memories told from two or more points of view, Jenny [my puppy dog], my little sister's ability to love, guitar, mix CDs, [mis-matched] socks, sweaters, winter, aesthetes, beauty in the simplest things, beauty in people, the chance to start over, "I love you"s, telling someone how you feel about them, discovering and elaborating, best friends, traditions, southern accents, driving, love.

"I Know" by Save Ferris. I'm starry-eyed in love with ska right now. I could skank all day long, if only I had muscles in my legs. Ohh dancey dance dancity dance dance. Care to join me?

I keep forgetting that growing up is supposed to be hard. The grind of every day at high school, the influence people have over me. The influence I have over people that love me [and hate me]. The truth is, we're all trying to figure it out. I'm trying not to second guess and not think too much. Read more. Eat whatever I want. Dance whenever my toe starts tapping. Not worry so much about grades and being at school. Sleep and dream, but not[whatever I do] let the dreams stop once my eyes open.

To be quite honest. I'm teriffied of what tomorrow will bring, of what he'll say or she'll think and I'm trying so hard to get over my fears and love openly and fully. I'm calling people 'dear' and 'honey' and 'babydoll' more, and meaning it every time.

"American Girl" by Tom Petty and the cover by Dance Hall Crashers.
"All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles
"What I Got" by Sublime
"Cupid de Locke" by the beloved Smashing Pumpkins


Last night I was talking to my mom about how I feel about myself sometimes. The regular worries, too fat, not muscular enough, not shaped right. She told me I was beautiful and said I needed to call Christa and she was going to get me the phone. I called, left a message, and was woken up I don't know how much later by the ringing. Good conversation, tho I'm so tired I don't rightly remember most of it. Anyways, it was good for me and we weren't late for Seminary today. Wowzas.

I'm trying to write more. I've grown to like my handwriting [it's evolved to a neat scrawl], and I'm not sure what that says about me. I can't see how that could be bad, though.

Him: But I'm not bitter.
Me: Oh...I am.
Him: Yeah, me too.

People that make me laugh out loud:

_____Christa______Ian_____ Patrick_Mia
_______Warner_____Mandy_______ Ariel
___Kyle_____ Lynette___Roxie

There's nothing like comming home from a weekend and checking your email, only to find that one person has thought of you! And that was sent on Friday. Thanks a ton, guys. Glad for your support and your obvious pining for me.

"Today the news was sick and horrible and graphic. That is, the school news."

polarREL: want to know something silly?
polarREL: today i got a letter from jonathan, all that was in it was a poem
polarREL: and when i was reading it i thought just as much about you as i did about him
polarREL: b/c all poetry makes me think of you

FoxyRoxy1586: you no whos awesone
FoxyRoxy1586: buddy holly
Punkyelhsa: coolios
FoxyRoxy1586: did you ever see great balls of fire?
Punkyelhsa: hahaha no
Punkyelhsa: wait
Punkyelhsa: maybe
FoxyRoxy1586: i was like "if i was his 13 year old cousin i'd marry him
Punkyelhsa: that's going on my blog
FoxyRoxy1586: i ment that for jerry lee lewis
FoxyRoxy1586: he married his 13 year old cousin
Punkyelhsa: oh.

Today I felt perfectly Ashley. I didn't try to dress a certian way, didn't wear makeup as was debated for quite some time, and did my hair up with a pen. =) After a conversation with Christa and Roxie but before the one with Ariel, I sat outside in the little niche between our house and the building next door reading Spilling Open. I laid in the grass and swam in the wind, singing The Softies to myself as I walked up and down the concrete wall next to the sidewalk.

I was talking to Ariel and after mistaking my age, said "I still feel fourteen....I still feel six." And sometimes that fits so well.

I'm slowly losing touch with my *'me-ish-ness' and I hate this slipping away of Ashley. I could be doing so many amazing things with my time, and school isn't such a bad way to spend it, but I feel controlled. As strange as it may sound, I feel like pop-up ads keep comming up inside of me. I kept thinking about wearing makeup today at school, whether or not I should. I asked my mother about it and she said it's always good to try new adventures. It's not the actual makeup [except when I want to rub my eyes but dare not upset the grease and pigment] but I'm afraid I will become dependent on a mask that is very much not me. I need long baths and green grass, lillies and roses [and maybe even tulips, those sly flowers], big hugs, conversations that make you think and then burst out into giggles because you're so happy with what's going on, and maybe a good book or two. Then again, I suppose love is all you need, [your name here] dear.


*This would be another link to Sabrina Ward Harrison dot com, but I think I've done enough of those.

Everything's turning to brown and faded reds and oranges and I'm still stuck in RED and YELLOW, BLUES and GREENS, and I don't want to change. I'm not ready for it to be fall, not when I feel so much like summer. I didn't get enough in the last three months. I spent too much time inside and being tired and bored and not enough time drinking lemonade with my family and dreaming in the shade.

Today I felt all twirly. I felt all over the place. and I felt all over the place. Spilling Open is such a lovely book, and really makes everything seem so much better. Sabrina, my dear, you are my hero.

love love love
all you need is love, love
love is all you need

Temple trip was amazing and awesome and peaceful. The rest of the weekend not so much, but that really doesn't matter. I should be doing homework right now, and getting my rest because Seminary starts tomorrow [!] but I really must call a few choice people before I hit the hay.

My writing skills go to crap when I'm trying to do anything else. Today: hurt a boy on the bus [meh], talked about dead people making great coat holders, talked to the gorgeous Miss Ariel for an hour and a half, and am currently waiting for the expected call from Warner. More tomorrow, let's hope.

"sitting perfectly
still
barely fighting off
a chill"

....seems to describe september so well. i'm trying hard to feel like myself right now, listening to the softies and ignoring everything else. school is making me feel bleh, rather beige and watery. the more i touch the more of me comes off and blends. tomorrow is friday, and the weekend, and i'll be okay for 2 1/2 more days. i want summer and i want the ocean and i don't want it to get cold and i want days full of ice cream and waterfights. school's not as bad as i've made it seem; i have more confidence this year than i used to [i'm sure i'll be saying that for a long time]. i keep little pieces of me seemingly hidden [paint on my arms/hands, uniball pens in my pockets, and lyrics written anywhere i can put a pen to], and i'm hoping the right people will notice.

Today I am in completely and totally in love with The Beatles. Dreamy dreamy dreamy.

Soundtrack to My Life moment: "The Ludlows" by James Horner. Amazing piano and melodies and strings and makes me feel like my bed is flying.

Today didn't quite fit. The weather was cold and rainy [not good, pouring rain, dreary misty rain that makes your bones feel cold] and church was wonderfully awesome. I've been fasting, and now that the pangs are over, I really don't want to stop. However, I think the garlic roasting and a choclate cake from Sister Morgenegg [for my birthday, because I wasn't there when she brought a cake for everyone!] will pursuade me, at the appropriate time.

I'm rather sleepy, due to an exhaustingly late [but still wonderful] conversation with Maurice last night. However, I think I shall have another late Sunday night conversation with Christa on the phone; oh, I've missed her lately. But life is slowly getting better, with the help of Coldplay, The Softies, good friends and homemade presents.