Wednesday, October 31, 2001

i need to cry. i need to cry more than anything. outloud, with big sobs and gasps for air, crying for myself, my life, and whatever comes to mind. but i can't. my family's all around...and it makes me sad that i can't cry around them any more. i'm too much of a big girl to cry around anyone. and that makes me more sad than ever.
i've forgotten what it's like to be sad. really sad, where i just want to go upstairs and wallow in my room and snap if anyone tries to talk to me. with all the anti-depressants and counceling, they tried to convince me that being sad makes you bad. and i'm not bad. i'm not anything but sad. i'm sad. and it's okay. i'm okay.

maybe it's different now. maybe i'm going crazy, saying i haven't laughed in a long time, because i have. i really have laughed. big, belly-shaking, laughs. but they never seem to mean as much any more. and i don't think i can let this happen to me. i have to find a way to make my laughs more important.
Well, it seems my favorite holiday has been diminished to me sitting at home eating the candy that would be little childrens, if it weren't for thier parent's anthrax fears. Hrm.

There's really not much to say right now...quite bored. Angry, even, that I didn't get invited to anything-no matter, I'm not allowed to go anywhere. I hate paranoia.

Monday, October 29, 2001

"so these wheels.. they're to make the car go or something? How does that work
"Note to self - Take more time to figure out what I really think about things."

My best friend is awesome. =)

I put her Box O' Happy in the mail today, and it's much covered in marker.

I love life so much. I realized that's something about me I take to heart. I'm wonderfully alive, and I'm not going to waste a minute more than I need to being sad or upset over things that don't matter. I'm going to spend it on making the blue pair worthwhile.

Sunday, October 28, 2001

Wonderful wonderful Christa makes everything so much better. =) She's my salvation, she has my lust for life and is AWESOME! "The blue pair makes it all worth it."

So now I'm trying to decide which CD to get...I love these kinds of decisions, simply because there's so many beautiful things to choose from.

Sigur Ros-Agaetis Byrjun
Rainer Maria-Look Now Look Again
Radiohead-Kid A
Radiohead-Pablo Honey

and I love my musical friends. Christa is the best, the most awesome. I can't go on enough about how lucky I am to know her, and to just.....AHHH SHE'S SO PHREAKING COOL!!!
I'm sick and tired of everyone putting emphasis on physical beauty. I know I'm pretty, that's great and fine and everything, but nothing really changes if someone says that....I just want to be a beautiful person, and I really don't feel beautiful.

Found out Faiad does drugs today. Lots of 'em. And I'm SICK and tired of everyone and everything...I really really thought I had made a difference, and I just love him more than anything. I don't want him to do this. I can't change it, and I just...I wish he remembered the quiet times we had together. Where the world wasn't interfering. I love him so much. I can't belive it.....

Thursday, October 25, 2001

"I would have died without imagination."

I love my best friend. =)

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

I know I'm posting too many conversations, but they're worth it. =)

Punkyelhsa: Anyways, bye.
dfinbergX86: candyland
dfinbergX86: !!!!!!
dfinbergX86: bye

I love randomness.

I just had an awesome conversation with Christa, and I'm hoping I get to talk to her again tonight. So much fun....=)

Boys are stupid. I know I'm making Warner mad, but, they just are. I do not understand them, they're poos. Ugh. I will never figure out what is going on, or why....bleh. And why a good match is so hard to find...ARGH! SCREW IT!
I've decided that I have the coolest, quirkiest, awesomest best friend in the entire world. =)
posted by Christa Baxter 7:52 PM


Monday, October 22, 2001

CrAcKa571: I am calm and colective in a crisis
Punkyelhsa: lol
Punkyelhsa: Collected, not collective.
Punkyelhsa: Collective is a verb.
Punkyelhsa: Where in this sentence, 'am' is the verb.

The lit geek in me triumphs once again. =)

Sunday, October 21, 2001

I'm a helper!!!

MeBeJaMn2: Do u no how to use a washer machine
Punkyelhsa: yup! =) it's one of my few attributes
MeBeJaMn2: can u help me becaue im home alone and i have to have close for tomrow
Punkyelhsa: lol
Punkyelhsa: okay
Punkyelhsa: Put a load of either light or dark colors in, put in a scoop of detergent
Punkyelhsa: and start it. =) It's that easy.
MeBeJaMn2: ok hold on let me go try that
MeBeJaMn2: how much detergent
MeBeJaMn2: k brb
Punkyelhsa: a cup
Punkyelhsa: lol bye
Punkyelhsa: I mean..yeah.okay
MeBeJaMn2: wat
MeBeJaMn2: please
MeBeJaMn2: were do u put the detorgent
Punkyelhsa: just in over top of the clothes
MeBeJaMn2: do i just pour it in the washer
Punkyelhsa: yeah
MeBeJaMn2: but theres no speacial place
MeBeJaMn2: just in the washer
Punkyelhsa: Yeah.
Punkyelhsa: How else does it get the clothes clean?
MeBeJaMn2: k THANK U BYE BYE ive got it
Punkyelhsa: lol okay bye
MeBeJaMn2: lol
MeBeJaMn2: THANK u
What I was going to put for my description, until Blogger put a limit on the words I use. =(

pumpkin cookies-pretending I don't like bacon, when I secretly crave it-midol-Christa-convenient insomnia-laughing-music-guitar playing Mormon boys with marketable majors-dancing-guitar calluses-words-skateboarding-snuggling-Mansfield Park-homemade bread-peaches-raspberries-guitar stores-shocking people when I shop in the guy's section-oldies-watching people-wishing-daydreaming-talking in code about boys-orange juice-tripping and recovering-long and long distance phone calls-quotes-Monty Python-my mommy-people that are great without realizing it-eating-old, worn in shoes with bright orange laces-Scottish and Irish accents-planning trips-Billy Corgan-old, comfy shoes with bright orange laces-the far off sound of acoustic songs-bagpipes-Sunday mornings-thinking about the perfect, grass covered hill I will someday lay on and be content

Monday, October 15, 2001

stareatthelight: i talk to justin today
stareatthelight: online
Punkyelhsa: lol
Punkyelhsa: what'd ya talk about?
stareatthelight: stuff
stareatthelight: hc
stareatthelight: his x girlfriend
Punkyelhsa: hmmm
stareatthelight: his job
Punkyelhsa: he's POO!
stareatthelight: not
Punkyelhsa: nothing about you?
Punkyelhsa: hrmph, figured cus hes'
Punkyelhsa: POO!
stareatthelight: he asked me what i like best about my self, but thats it
Punkyelhsa: cus hes' POOOOO!
Punkyelhsa: don't you get it?! POO POO!
stareatthelight signed off at 5:34:18 PM.
stareatthelight signed on at 5:34:19 PM.
stareatthelight: he told me he might not go because of him and his x breaking up today
Punkyelhsa: lol, it's wonderful =)
stareatthelight: what song?
Punkyelhsa: might not go where?
stareatthelight: to hc
Punkyelhsa: The Grunge Song by Weezer
Punkyelhsa: ohhh
stareatthelight: oh
Punkyelhsa: Don't worry about it, he's such poo anyways
stareatthelight: no hey not
stareatthelight: *hes
Punkyelhsa: POO, I TELL YOU! POO!
stareatthelight: shut up
Punkyelhsa: lol, no! =P
stareatthelight: pretty and wonderful
stareatthelight: whatever
Punkyelhsa: and POO!!!
Punkyelhsa: LOL
stareatthelight: no
Punkyelhsa: ah *lol
Punkyelhsa: YES
stareatthelight: no
stareatthelight: no
stareatthelight: no
stareatthelight: pretty
stareatthelight: and a like him as a friend
Punkyelhsa: poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo! poo!
stareatthelight: i don't think he cute
Punkyelhsa: but bahhhh
stareatthelight: no!!!!!
Punkyelhsa: you think he's pretty and hes' POO!
stareatthelight: stop it
stareatthelight: he's not poo
Punkyelhsa: I will if you will.
stareatthelight: he beautiful
Punkyelhsa: (poo)
stareatthelight: ok
stareatthelight: i have to go now
stareatthelight: sorry
Punkyelhsa: lol okay bye bye!
Punkyelhsa: 's okay
stareatthelight: he's pretty
Punkyelhsa: POO!
Punkyelhsa: POO
Punkyelhsa: POO
Punkyelhsa: HE IS POO
stareatthelight: lol
stareatthelight: bye
Punkyelhsa: POO POO
Punkyelhsa: bye! =)
stareatthelight: :-)
Punkyelhsa: :-D
Today was good. It was "Crazy Hat Day!", so I wore my awesome 40's detective hat that had a feather in it. =) I've gotten over not having school spirit. I'm naturally competative, and I can at least enjoy the break from class during the pep rallies. I still don't know if I'm going to Homecomming game, though.

I think I crack my knuckles too much.

Listening to Beautiful Day by U2 and enjoying it thouroughly.

I took my History test today after school [could't on Friday due to my blonde side running into a door] and I don't think I did too well....knowing the material probably would've helped, but hey, it's too late now.

Coldplay reminds me so much of Radiohead on 'The Bends'....the voice, and the music, tho I have to say that I enjoy Coldplay a bit more. I can't quite put my finger on what I like. It may be that I haven't listened to them as much. There was that week or so where I listened to nothing but The Bends. Maybe I played it out...?

Anywho, tomorrow is PSAT's and we get off early. I was planning on doing something with friends, but I think it's very likely that I'm going to stay home and enjoy reading....I never quite know. I don't like going out any more. Maybe it's the people. Maybe it's because I'm here. But I'm drawing back into myself and actually being shy every once in a while.....

Sunday, October 14, 2001

Punkyelhsa: I gtg...=(
CrAcKa571: ok
CrAcKa571: see you tomorrow
CrAcKa571: = )
CrAcKa571: good night
Punkyelhsa: Goodnight to every little hour that you.... ;-)
CrAcKa571: sleep tight

Friday, October 12, 2001

I'm wearing a tie to school today. Shhh, don't tell anyone! I'm sure my grandma would stop me if she saw, so I put my hoodie on over it. And it's Kyle's...he wouldn't be too happy about me stealing his stuff. But no one has to know! =) It's a very lovely tie, too. It's blue with hummingbirds [I think] on it.

I've had a recurring dream about Smashing Pumpkins. Well, not really a whole dream, just a part. I keep dreaming that they have another album out and it came after Siamese Dream. Called something white....I can't remember. But anyways, I was listening to it last night in my dream, and it was pretty cool. lol

Speaking of dreams, I had one about Real World on mtv and they had to do this bungee thing over the water, and somehow we all got on shore [I was on it]. Then there were these HUGE crashing waves, and it kept bringing up all this stuff. It brought up a house! It was all covered in mud, but everything was intact. There was a pair of sunglasses on the front porch. It was really wierd....I liked it, tho. Eerily entertaining...

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

It has been a while. My computer's fixed, so that's quite quite happy.

Today was good....lots of flirty and happiness and patching things up. But....I don't know. I want to sleep away everything, and just kinda...forget about school and everything that goes with it. I want summer. I want to get away from all the refrences to sex and drugs. I want to pretend the world is fine, and nothing bad is happening. Just for a day or two.