Tuesday, May 27, 2003

ahh i just ruined everything but it doesn't matter, she's telling him, and that's all i care about right now.

currently downloading: y control, modern romance, and tick by the yeah yeah yeahs
A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving and I Solemnly Swear [Gilmore Girls episodes...*hangs head*]
current mood: YAY!
current music: pretty in pink by social distortion

Sunday, May 25, 2003

jeeze what's with me and needing attention?
if attention was food i'd be obese--good ole days.
but the thing with obesity is when you skip an afternoon snack you think you're famished.
This is about the billionth time that blogger has deleted my post. getting a little frustrated. what kind of a name is blogger, anyways?


[20 min later: nevermind. wierd computer is all. i take back all bad things i said about my loverly blogger. please forgive me.]
So things are smoothing out. I caught myself downplaying my problems last night. I realized I shouldn't do that, nor should I try to make them seem huge and bigger than they are. Keep proportion active, let things be as they are. I'm still in super love with Ryan, this time I'll give you a less flustered reason why: Friday afternoon I couldn't stop crying. I suppose it was combined lack of sleep, problems happening, and the fact that my mom had to leave and I was leaving soon. So I called him in tears and asked if he could come over. And he did. So he held me while I blubbered about how scared I was and slipped away quietly when I finally got up the courage to talk to my parents. So I love him forever, even if he tries to kill me tomorrow. We're going to King's Dominion tomorrow and I'm looking forward to a day of hanging with the boys and having panic attacks in lines. Speaking of which, mum thinks I need to be on anxiety medicine long-term, after I borrowed another one of her Adavan pills. Paxil, maybe. So maybe tomorrow won't be the best thing for me psychologically [because last time I was on a roller coaster I was hyperventilating in line and almost didn't go about a thousand times. and, as soon as it was over, we lost ali. so yeah]. But I'll do my best not to freak out. Jeeze I'm such a girl.

current mood: angsty
current music: y control by the yeah yeah yeahs

Saturday, May 24, 2003

I love ryan so much he's so fantastic and one of my best friends ever gracious me. me and krissie made him tribute/i love you cards even tho she's never met him. *sigh*

current mood: enamored
current music: modern romance by the yeah yeah yeahs

Thursday, May 22, 2003

duckie duckie duckie. i love thee so.

current mood: infatuated
current music: try a little tenderness by otis redding

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Ryan came over today and we played for a while and babysit the girls and went with Ali to the park, where Lissa's boyfriend and his posse made fun of darling Ryan. I yelled at 'em then, and later. I made fun of the one kid's outfit [yay for coordinated Carolina blue basketball outfits] and I was impressed with my own maturity. I also said, under my breath [though it was rather out loud], that I hoped they would impregnate teenage girls and drop out of school at some point in their lives. I'm so good at dealing with social conflicts.

I'm seriously debating whether or not I should have NyQuil for breakfast tomorrow. That's all I really want, to space out, pretend I'm not there [nor here].

current mood: spacey
current music: sing me to sleep by the smiths

Sunday, May 18, 2003

So this weekend was a lot better than expected! And by this weekend I mean today...Church always always helps, and Saturday was productive, if nothing else. Lots of tears, laughs, cuddles, and ice cream. I adore my big sister and my best friend [they could be seen as the same person! But we're talking strictly legal terms, here] for helping me through anything and everything. I'm going to my daddy-o's next weekend and ignoring everything that's going on, so maybe that's not the best way to deal with it, but hey, I'm not letting it ruin my trip to Kings Dominion. And Oh my goodness so greatful for Christa telling me that yes, it will be okay, eventually, if not immediately. The image of my future family is a relief because I'll do good with that, I promise. As for now, all I want to do is read Lioness Rampant [I love Amy forever for letting me hole up in her room for 3 hours reading Woman Who Rides Like A Man]. Because yes, they're stupid and childish and great fodder for humour but they're such a huge part of me --well, not growing up, but getting older. And I see nothing shameful or silly about that. At least nothing that I should pretend didn't happen. Because, yes, Alanna DOES kick butt! haha makes me laugh. Stan said he'd take me to the coolio bookstore to get stuff for Madame and mayhap I'll pick up a few books written by a certian Mrs. Pierce....

current mood: heroic (as i win my shield by disguising my sex)
current music: lazy days by leona naess

Thursday, May 08, 2003

I had another break-down last night. Mom called Christa and left a message for me, then I punched in John's number. I whined for a bit then we witlessly bantered and he had to go. Loverly Miss Christa called me back once I was more or less out of the blues. I was crying about the whole pals thing and lack of sleep and self-pity. Manda thinks I hate her and *shrug* everything's really screwy with those ladies right now. Doing my best not to think about it. I'm very excited for our dinner/pajama [sum pajama!]/Pretty In Pink party on Friday night, just not particularly for the cooking aspect.

I wrote a kick-butt paper today in English about Leo Tolstoy's "How Much Land Does A Man Need" defining his theories on minimalism that I more or less made up but ohh it sounds so good. One of the sentences used the words anthesis, archiac, and something else I can't remember at the moment. Yeah, I was pretty proud *shines nails*

I'm reading tricky business by dave barry at the moment, and tomorrow we're going to molest mrs. gable's replacement/todd barry. i'm a-sited.

current mood: sly [mom wants us to clean house-no computer, tv, or phone till we do. so i'm going upstairs to read.]
current music: down on the corner by the one and only creedence clearwater revival

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

making bread is good
mandy's sad is not
being asked to design shoes for someone is good
stressing about money is not
corduroy pants are good
corduroy pants that you adore but are unflattering are not
being a size 12 is good
being a size 12 is not
christa happy is wonderful
ryan broken is sad
planning dinner/pajama parties is fun

current mood: mag-something...
current music: maps by the yeah yeah yeahs

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Well things are getting exponentially worse. Including my spelling. I have a stupey French project due tomorrow that I haven't even started. Gah gah gah. Really need a breather. Really bad. And Ali's being a butt. And everyone sucks and I hate you all for being the way you are.

current mood: collapsing
current music: come away with me by norah jones

Thursday, May 01, 2003

20 minutes till I get dressed for the day [I have to drag myself up two flights of stairs and dress with one foot]

? hours till I get crutches

1 Day till X-MEN, Krissie's 16TH BIRTHDAY
. and friday, thank goodness

2 Days till the much needed, time-consuming trip to D.C. and certian places therein

I stay home too much. huh. Not my fault. lovely day for...well, almost anything. my apoligies to roxie for breaking our reality bites partay. listening to emo for the first time in 10 years. not sure how i'm taking it. reminds me incredibly of spilling open and last summer. a new may is here, and june's just around the corner. the fact that this year hasn't taken an eternity terrifies me. but i'm okay. i am okay. because i have all of today to sit around and be served [heh, heh] and analyze dreams about certian boys and their piano-playing rock star alter egos.
i woke up at a delicious 10: 49 today, not realizing how sleep-deprived I am. I left Dune at my daddy-o's house, je pense, and now i'm wanting it back. i started one of Lissa's books last night, something about a super duper crazy nanny with purple hair. *shrug* i tried starting Ya-Ya again, but couldn't get past the first chapter. Besides, that book can be incredibly emotionally draining, and not something I need right now. So mayhap The Work and the Glory is calling my name. Or mayhap I'll just read Ella Enchanted for the 108949384578475th time in a row.

also, my space IQ is out of this world

current mood: sleepy
current music: goodbye by paris, texas