Monday, June 28, 2004

death on wednesday

now i'm debating with myself whether or not to stay here 'til wednesday. because admittedly, it would be blatently disobeying, but if he's not going to be there i don't see why i should. i really don't know what to do. kyle's suggestion is to never go, but i'm too much of a girl to do that. i hate this so much.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

you can sew it up, but you still see the tear

home sweet home, until saturday early early morning when we head out for the beach. i'm getting really excited for Reel Big Fish and Catch22, and have decided what i want to wear--only i don't own the shirt or the belt. anyone know when the mint is playing next? preferably sometime this week at the church down my street. thanks.
i missed everybody lots, and cried a lot because being away from home sucks muchos. montana wasn't too awful because kyle was there, and camp is always a good time.
so now kyle's shaking his rump covered in ripped pants with a droogs don't run shirt and i have to work out my schedule for when Kahina's here.
it's good to be back.

Monday, June 07, 2004

take a poll

mom says "it's [my] hair" so i can do anything i want. all i have to do is pay for it. does anyone have suggestions on color/cut?

Thursday, June 03, 2004

pretty good year

my big brother is graduating tomorrow. school is ending on tuesday. we're going to montanna on monday. i'm turning seventeen this year. i can date, and wear makeup, and i don't have a curfew. sex isn't a secret word anymore. jack kerouac is replacing george, the rogue on my pedastal reserved for dreamy boys. i cry a lot, about almost anything. i organized a party for my geometry class with just an idea. i want so badly to be famous, still. my friends can drive--i can almost move out on my own. it makes me want to cry because i feel like the entire 17 years of my life has slipped away into a sequence of memories and words and flashes of color and bursts of music that intertwine themselves into this messy, seven dimensional canvas that seems to be my life. and i still don't really know who i am. i'm still very confused about a lot of things. i still enjoy using redundancies for emphasis. i have black sexy underwear. all this freedom seems to be getting to my head because it means i can do almost anything, and i don't have this security around me any more to keep me safe. my parents fight a lot. but i'm able to [more or less] remove myelf from it and i'm able to live my life as my own. i have my own life. that's strange enough. tomorrow is all cap and gown and bright flashing smiles and running onto the football field to say goodbye to this year and goodbye to this huge part of my life. junior year is over. i've made a lot of really good friends--really good friends. i'm slowly adapting myself and changing myself. there's a lot to work out, still. but i'm getting closer to being at peace with all of these semicolons and elipsies and strike throughs that are writing my life. because it's all happening. i'm happening. i can't find the right words to show you this. it's right here, right there and it's twisting and struggling to get out to try to make you understand. the kind that makes sal scream dig it and holden ache for someone who's real and me write poetry and take pictures and jump and shout.

sometimes he's aware that they're drawing him in
lucy was pretty, your best friend agreed
pretty good year