Wednesday, February 09, 2005

these days

it didn't seem like fifteen minutes. it seemed like one endless note that resonated through everything that fell in the path of my headlights and nothing was unraveling and i saw more and more with each turn.

that's my therapy. i don't need the hour long sessions as much as i do the drives home. because even though everything seems mixed together and messy it doesn't matter because that won't go away, there's still more than a little hope.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

because i don't understand myself when i do things like this. i seem to respond automatically and then feel guilty for not wanting to or for questioning it. i'm afraid to jump into anything too serious or too intense because it doesn't seem like there's been enough real time. and it doesn't seem like i'm going to be able to do this. because he brought me flowers when i was crying but still didn't know what to say and the touching was less for comfort and more for whatever else drives it. because i don't want to be anybody's girlfriend and i don't want to feel obligated or get to a point where i'm bored and i don't want this. and i don't know what's wrong with me that i don't. maybe i'm scared and just need to talk but something's there when it shouldn't be or maybe something's missing. or maybe i'm shallow and can't see how perfect this is--because it is! he is, and i should be happy but it all seems so serious lately. and i don't want that. i don't want to stare into each others eyes and feel a passionate longing i want to have fun and watch cartoons without realizing how nostalgic we're being. what's wrong with me.