Thursday, December 27, 2001

I suppose I won’t live forever. Not on this world, or in this body, anyways. I wonder what I’ll do with an eternity. Perhaps I’ll waste it away, but I certainly hope not. I hope I have the strength to keep on living every day. With passion, and remembering how precious life is. I wish to be something great, to amaze those that know me with my rapier wit and beautiful compassion. I want to want something, above all. Though, I am quite lazy, and would love to spend the rest of my days working on a novel, in my cottage in a valley or on a hill with a wonderful view. Oh, to be able to rest. To truly rest, to not have anything to plan for, except who should come over for lunch tomorrow, and what I’m making for dinner next Sunday. I want children, as scared as I am to bring them into this world. I want to be a wonderful wife, and a good daughter. To my Heavenly Father and earthly parents. I want to be a friend, to advise those in need, and to have someone to advise me. I want to keep learning, and to teach. I am thankful for all that I am given, every day. Someday I will grow to be old, and maybe then I’ll learn the secret to life. The real secret, the most hidden one. Though I am not quite knowledgeable enough to be so wise, I think it most definitely has something to do with love, to do it as often as possible, to laugh, to apologize and forgive easily. Is that a secret?Well, I know I have much to learn, and will, in due time. I love you all and I bid you a goodnight and hope you find an inspiration.

Monday, December 24, 2001

I'm home...yep yep. It doesn't feel like Christmas Eve at all. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about everything with my parents and step-parents, either. Everything's muchos confusing and everyone's starting to pack up our stuff and I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy....

I keep thinking something will come and change everything and it will all be better, but it's not, and I'm starting to realize that I am going to leave, and it's not going to get better, and I'm going to have to make the best of it, but it's hard to see what that is right now. I so much want to be happy again. There's nothing/no one I can run to that will make it all better and I can't hide because the problems are constantly there.

On a brighter note, I heard Tonight Tonight in the car today....

Saturday, December 15, 2001

GrnKOW: I don't want you to be sad. =(
Her Silent Stars: me neither.... thanks tho
Her Silent Stars: maybe it's just post m s
GrnKOW: Then snap out of it!
Her Silent Stars: lol =)
Her Silent Stars: yes ma'am =)
GrnKOW: You can tho!
Her Silent Stars: ok. I'll try
Her Silent Stars: I think soccer will help
GrnKOW: Call me Drill Sergant Gimp
Her Silent Stars: I'm gonna go now finish getting ready for my game
Her Silent Stars: lol!
GrnKOW: That
GrnKOW: is
Her Silent Stars: ok, ok. I will )
Her Silent Stars: =)*
Her Silent Stars: bye =)
GrnKOW: Bye. =)

And so my day has gone. Nice, long shower that turned into a bath with Siamese Dream playing loudly, far from the background. Wearing huge shorts that look like capris/tents. And brownies and cookie dough [shh don't tell! Maybe if I ignore how much I eat, I'll lose the weight]. And beautiful, beautiful music. I get to go to a Seminary party in about...1 hour and 15 minutes. I'm not dying to go, but church people are always awesome. Wow. I haven't said that in a while. But my Seminary teacher is sooo cool. I love her to death. Anywho! I'm going to Ariel's tonight and I'm gonna eat yummy Chaunaka food and be with Ariel and laugh. Oh, I love to laugh. =)

My dad is quite awesome. We had a conversation today about heredity and dominant and recessive genes, trying to figure out why our family has the eye color they do. And everything's normal again. I realized normal isn't bad, not with my family. I truly love them, with every part of me. Being the lady of the house isn't that bad. =)

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

I need someone to talk to..........

Ariel, you're a good person to vent on. Thank you.

Sunday, December 09, 2001

We're going to get a tree today! I know it's Sunday, but I honestly don't think...well, I dunno, but I don't feel bad about it. Melon Collie is so beautiful. The song, that is. I went to Ariel's last night for a couple of hours. I love her so much. We colored and laughed and laughed and laughed. I really don't want to leave here.

Thursday, December 06, 2001

Punkyelhsa: I gtg =(
Punkyelhsa: I love you tho!
PeLo LoCo87: ok =(
PeLo LoCo87: I love you tooooo!!
Punkyelhsa: =) You'r hte best ever
Punkyelhsa: I typoed for you. =)
Punkyelhsa: lol
Punkyelhsa: bye
PeLo LoCo87: lol
PeLo LoCo87: I love you so much
Punkyelhsa: I LOVE YOU THE MOST!
PeLo LoCo87: = )
PeLo LoCo87: you make me smile = )
PeLo LoCo87: = )
Punkyelhsa: You make me want to paint everything!

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Lately I've been really confused about why I'm here. Not like, religion, exactly, but how did everything start...before God. It's hard to imagine something that never ends, much less never starts. I suppose it's just my mortal mind [muhahaha-evil villan] that's unable to comprehend infinity....but still. It's confusing. And the horrible part is, I feel almost guilty about wondering. But it's good to wonder...right? I don't know what I belive. I don't have any of the big stuff in question, tho. Maybe I'm just desperately curious about the afterlife. Yeah. maybe....? Man, I'm confused.

Sunday, December 02, 2001

MAN! I JUST DELTED THE THING I WAS GONNA PASTE HERE!@!!o*&&$^(&*$^* ARGH! Stupid stupid stupid. =) Anyway, I had a good conversation with Maurice, belive it or not. And I was gonna put it here....anywho. lol. I'm being very ADD today, and I want a good hanging-out with Christa.

Today was Stake Confrence, and me, not realizing it, woke up at 9:30. It didn't make much difference, my mom said we didn't have to go. I don't know, it's wierd, sometimes I feel like I'm the driving force behind going to church. Once my mom even said that. I was sick, and she was like "We're not gonna go if you aren't. You're the whole reason we're going." And it shouldn't be like that. Everything's so screwy right now. People came to look at our house and I had to clean my room in ten minutes and I just realized how much I love my room. It's not at ALL typical, with cow print paper randomly placed, and wonderful scribbled inside jokes all over the walls, along with a few great pictures. None of my comforters match each other, but I've had one since I was two, and the other my grandma made for me. I have a total of 13 pillows, though not all are on my bed. And I feel so at home in there, and it's great to know that I can take that with me when I move. All the little mannerisms it seems to have to another room, 2 hours away, and I'll feel safe. I'm just going to miss my friends so much.

Saturday, December 01, 2001

Punkyelhsa: I'm gonna go
PeLo LoCo87: ok
Punkyelhsa: bye bye sweetheart
PeLo LoCo87: i love you
Punkyelhsa: sweet sweet
Punkyelhsa: I love you too
PeLo LoCo87: sweet dreams
PeLo LoCo87: = )
Punkyelhsa: I love you so much!~!!!!
Punkyelhsa: Goodnight

Good nights are wonderful. Good sleeps are almost better.