Sunday, March 25, 2001

Tonight its very clear as we're both lying heere theres so many things I wanna say I will always love you I will never leave you alone sometimes I just forget say things I might forget it breaks my heart to see you crying I don't wanna lose you I could never make I alone I am the man who will fight for your honor I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of comming forever knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love you keep me standing tall you helped me through it all I'm always strong when you're beside me I have always needed you I could never make it alone cus I am the man who will fight for your honor I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of coming forever knowing together we did it all for the glory of love---New Found Glory: The Glory of Love

I can't wait to play a show.

Saturday, March 24, 2001

I got home at seven this morning, went to bed, and got up a half an hour ago. I didn't sleep all night and slept for ten hours today. I don't even know if I'm going to the YW's broadcast tonight. I'm so tired, I doubt I could get much out of it. Anywho, no one is online, at least not now. I guess I can put on one of my clever away msgs (I'm following in the AMQ's footsteps!) and wait for them to get on.
It seems I have a secret admirer....Too bad I don't like anyone. Sorry if you know this URL, but I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right now. I just want to find out who it is! Its probably one of my friends (KELLIE I KNOW ITS YOU!!!!) playing a joke. Just a little while ago she was telling me about it...hrmmm......I miss Christa!

Friday, March 23, 2001

I'm so tired. I'm bouncing off the walls. This isn't really a great feeling though. Its more like I'm just tired of everything. I could spend tonight reading Shadow of the Hegemon, listening to Loreena McKennit, and talking to Christa. But nooo I'm out being the social butterfly. To some extent. I'm going to a lock in with Ginny at her church. It sounds fun. For someone that wasn't PMSing, wasn't longing to be seperate from her everyday life. I'm sick and tired of climbing the social ladder. I try to rebel in every way I can, but still, I wore a skirt today, rolled it up (not a lot)_and enjoyed talking to all my "friends" during class. I'M SO SICK of everything. I need Smashing Pumpkins, and instead I'm getting laser tag. I need Orson Scott Card, but I'm settling for staying up late. WHY do people choose to live like this? Why do I choose to live like this? I suppose what spawned my not-so-sudden feelings of rebellion was the awesome conversation I had with Christa last night. They always seem to make me incredibly raptereous, then horribly sad that I have to go to school the next day and ruin the whole effect. I want to be able to have a whole day like that.....

Wednesday, March 21, 2001

I just got back from my chorus concert. I suppose it was worth it, but halfway through watching Ms.Lardin's hair dance as she conducted I REALLY wished that I could be talking to Christa about...anything. I miss everything. I would say shes like a big sister to me, but shes not. I know her. I don't know her favorite color or favorite food. But I know (I think anyways...) how she would react in a situation. More or less. I love being this close to her. My friends at school make me realize just how important (speeling!!!) having someone to anchor-or elate-me is. I live and die for our moments.... I think I've finially learned how to be deep without her. Although, talking on the trampoline and listening to my "bouncy song" (REMEMBER!?!?!) somehow seems to top it.... =) She's taught me so much about everything.... and now, as I'm done my stalker bit for the night, I think I will go brush my teeth.

Sunday, March 18, 2001

I feel, somehow, lik this point in my life is like the end of a TV show. Like everythings fine, and no more troubles till next week. Reality takes too much time right now. I just want to take a walk, with whatever music I want to be playing in the backround. I want to go to a deserted beach all by myself. Or in a valley somewhere reading the most amazing book, or talking. I miss having intelegent conversations. I want to be able to talk to someone about something smart. Or even something stupid, as long as we can both make it seem somewhat important. I want to go on a picnic with friends. My friends, not the people my mom wants me to hang out with. Not the people that are incredibly rich, and don't care about anything but that. Christa. I want to talk to her. More than anything.

Saturday, March 17, 2001

It's not late and its not early. I want to talk to an un-named genius right now. I wish I could see him. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, much less what I feel. Somehow right now everything is confusing, but its so late that its peaceful. Its like all of my questions are woven into an amazing blanket, and its spread around me. Its security that I know I still care. That I know that something matters to me. I've found (in my writing) I've been talking about two things lately 1) knowlege-The human mind facinates me, and I'm even more amazed at finding the limits, or the elasticity of it. 2) hope-What do I have to hope for? That sounds so sad, but its really not. I just want to know whats going to happen. I want it to be good with everything in me.
I'm getting tired, too tired to think or want to be awake. I'll forge ahead probably till 12:30 or so listening to Cricket and waiting for him.

Christa.....I miss you. I miss you're awesomeness....Its not even a question now who to want to talk to. =)
Wow. I haven't updated my blog in 4 days! But not very much has happened. At least nothing worth writing about. I went to YW in my new ward. It was pretty cool. Last night we threw a suprise party for Ginny. It was a LOT of fun. I couldn't tell if someone (I'm not gonna use any names, as people know this address) was flirting with me or not. Maybe it was just him being him, or...argh, I don't know. I would never go for him, though. He's MUCH too...popular. LOL. ARGH MY MOMS A BUTTHEAD. I'll finish later.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

lunarwacko 1299: so what prompted that remark?
lunarwacko 1299: (the usual all boys are evil)
GrnKOW: its kinda like saying "trash stinks"
GrnKOW: its pretty obvious
lunarwacko 1299: lol
I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally. I woke up well enough. But I had gym first period, and we were playing floor hockey. I can't help getting into games. I can't help being competative. I shouldn't have to try not to be. It bothers me that girls that are into sports are considered tom boys. Oh well, I'm not really in the mood to fight for womens rights.
This whole suprise party thing is draining everything from me. I think I was supposed to get the names and numbers of people that are comming....yeah, well, I didn't! I'm not even sure that everyones going to come. I'm afraid I'll cry if theres only 10 people there. Boys suck. Several of the guys today said they wouldn't come if Fiad was there. Not that I was looking forward to him or anything, but people can be really mean. Even if Fiad would show up wasted or high out of his mind. I guess the world is just an ugly place....
I'm going to go upstairs, listen to "The Lady of Shalott", and read The Lord of The Rings.


P.S. My new beehive leaders are comming tonight =(

Sunday, March 11, 2001

I say I want to do amazings things. I say I want to be an amazing person...I only know two people that help me become. They help me be. Thank you.
Well, we did split up. I am quite possibly going to have a nervous breakdown. No one, excluding Rosie, is comming with me. I don't think I can do this. I don't want to readjust agian. I mean, moving is hard enough, but having to do it nearly every six months makes it much worse. Not that we're moving now. We just don't get to see any of the same people. I'm trying to make plans with Kellie, but everythings so hectic...I don't want this to happen. Not now. Not when I need these people most. I can't do it. I can try. I'm not comming close to saying I will succeed, but I can still try. I'm so used to being popular (as humble as I am...) at church. Knowing everyone, being everyones friend. Now I have to...reinvent myself. I guess this does have its perks. I can be a whole new person. But I'm not really sure, for the first time in my life, I want to pretend to be someone else.

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I can't stand it. I just want to live during a continous summer. I want to be able to do things just because. I want to sleep more than 5 hours a night. I want to live out my fantasies. I want to make new fantasies. I want to daydream. I want to make something of myself.
I'm about to go to church...Rumor has it that our ward is going to split up. I really hope not. I've only had this presidency for two months.... And I wouldn't be in the same ward as half my friends. Maybe more. I shouldn't worry....its not a big deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a toasted tomato sandwich. Yum

Saturday, March 10, 2001

I changed my mind. I do feel sad. Its almost ten. Mandy wants me to go to a concert with her....I do want to go (its MXPX-a Christian punk band) but I'm kinda worried. About the enviornment...about everything. I'm such a naive little Mormon girl, and I want it to stay that way...more or less. I can't turn this down, I don't want to turn this down....I have to go. I want to stay home and finish my many novels and talk to Christa and Warner about the mysteries of life and how much music means. I want to sit up in my room, only comming out to something even more sheltered. Sheltered from myself, and my thoughts. Surrounded by my family that can protect me. The thought that I wasn't good enough never occoured to me until I went to school, or to the mall, or turned on the TV. Why am I such an internet junkie? Its so easy to just get lost talking to people....but its easier to get lost in a book. I want to hide behind everything I do and don't know, and to only cry about things that are trivial. I want to be happy. Happier than I could ever be now. Not with being reminded that I'm not thin enough, not smart enough, and not charismatic enough. I don't want to have to prove myself. But thats the only reason I have to get up every day. I want to sleep.....
I don't know what to feel today. I feel [somewhat] like I did when I was a little girl, and spent the whole day inside. Like daylight has been wasted. I went baby sitting for about two hours, came home, and waited for a certian un-named genius to get online.
I read two chapters of Enders Shadow today. Not a lot, but enough. I thought it would be somewhat less exciting, but seeing things from a whole other view really turns things around. DUH....I bet everyones amazed with my ability to state the obvious now.....
Anyways, I feel like something is missing. I don't quite know what to do about it. I do know, however, that I want to talk to someone....Christa just got offline =( I find this somewhat hard to belive, but I think I'm missing Maryland. I didn't....connect to anyone there well enough that I still had some privacy. In public places anyways. I just want to go back there once, and be able to play my guitar on the Harkness's front (or back) porch. I doubt I could live there, though. Everyone has such a....mask on. Everything and everyone has their place, thier special little catagories. I probably would have one too, and I can't stand being labled. Its depressing. Here isn't much better, but at least these people weren't there when I grew up. They only know this me.
I don't know what to feel today. I feel [somewhat] like I did when I was a little girl, and spent the whole day inside. Like daylight has been wasted. I went baby sitting for about two hours, came home, and waited for a certian un-named genius to get online.
I read two chapters of Enders Shadow today. Not a lot, but enough. I thought it would be somewhat less exciting, but seeing things from a whole other view really turns things around. DUH....I bet everyones amazed with my ability to state the obvious now.....
Anyways, I feel like something is missing. I don't quite know what to do about it. I do know, however, that I want to talk to someone....Christa just got offline =( I find this somewhat hard to belive, but I think I'm missing Maryland. I didn't....connect to anyone there well enough that I still had some privacy. In public places anyways. I just want to go back there once, and be able to play my guitar on the Harkness's front (or back) porch. I doubt I could live there, though. Everyone has such a....mask on. Everything and everyone has their place, thier special little catagories. I probably would have one too, and I can't stand being labled. Its depressing. Here isn't much better, but at least these people weren't there when I grew up. They only know this me.

Thursday, March 08, 2001

As you can see I haven't gotten very skilled with my blog yet =). WISDOM TEETH SUCK!!!!! Eating cookies has been making me cry. Stupid teething.
I went to see "Get Over It" last night with Lewis. It wasn't that good. I mean, I did laugh a couple of times, but they had a Shakespearen (speeling is overrated) musical. No. Thats not going to EVER happen. Then Lewis spent the night. I woke up earlier than her and was reading my beloved book ENDER'S SHADOW. Shes home now, I already went babysitting, and I'm listening to Train's "Drops of Jupiter". The world is content again. =) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go beat Austin at chess. Not really, I'll probably lose faster than Roger Ebert will say the best new movie (DPS!!!!) was a waste of eight dollars.
Wow this the third entry I've posted today. Oh well....Warner, this song sucks. Sorry, but I'm not a fan of theirs. However, we are very cool, so I doubt one song will make that much of a difference in our friendship, right? All I really want to do right now is have a sleepover and watch DPS till 2 in the morning, then go into someones room (I wonder who!!!) and proceed to co-write amazing songs. And then the next day we could go to the movies with John & co. and anylize thier every move. =) aahh the good life...
I'm so tired. I came home today, got on the computer, posted the previous entry, went upstairs, read and slept..... I am so tired. I can't sleep any more. I can't rest from everything I want to. If I was a normal teen, I wouldn't want to rest. Everything at school (socially anyways) is going wonderful for me. A very popular guy likes me, and I'm making more "connections" every day. I'm sick of it! I just want a week with stars and DPS and rolling and trampolines. I want more to life than waking up, trying to live, sleeping, and doing it all over agian. I live for the weekends. I die for monday.
Today sucked. Not PMS kinda sucked...not stupid boys kinda sucked. SUCKED...I stayed after for Art, which ususally puts me in a good mood. Mr Klinke (art teacher...duh) was doing his impression of Jesus with a bad New York accent. I don't even want to think about it. I'm sad. I'm sad that people don't know....And afterwards, when I went to my locker, Fiad came up to me. Beth (Jewish) kept saying "I hate Jewish people. Especaily white Jewish girls" lol. But anyways, I decided to join in saying "I hate mormons!" Now that I reflect, that really bothers me. Well, Fiad was saying how Mormons come to his house every thursday and try to baptize him. ARGH....hes such a loser. Boys suck, PMS sucks, and today SUCKED.

Wednesday, March 07, 2001

I don't want to be here. I miss summer too much. And Christa and writing and thinking and caring about all the right things. I miss being unpopular and kind, and everyone's best friend. I miss being a MOlly Mormon that didn't know anything about the world. I miss creating my own problems. I miss simplicity. I miss thinking I'm fat when I'm a size six. I miss BEING a size six. I miss having unruly hair. I miss breing woken up by my dad's snore. I miss the warmth. I miss not feeling naked around boys. I miss finding it amazing when people like me. But most of all I miss my happiness.

Monday, March 05, 2001

*eat
Its pretty late right now. I have SOL's tomorrow, and I seriously think that Ariel's going to be quite dissappointed when she gets her test scores back (she was going to copy mine). "Sometimes, you just have to ead saw dust. otherwise, how could we possibly know who we really are?" -Warner
Now you can't get much more insightful than that, can you?
I hate school. I love Ender's Game. I feel so lucky! My mother's friend knows Orson Scott Card, and if he doesn't mind, I might be able to email him! I'm not too sure on what to say....How do you greet a world renound author? "Hey, whats up? I'm a girl that likes your writing! Do you wanna be my friend? I like macaroni and cheese, but not the fake kind. The kind with real cheese." I'm guessing that doesn't quite make the standards. If anyone has any suggestions, email me at Smashed87Pumpkins@yahoo.com.

PS Cashews suck.
Its Monday. I don't have gym. I have no idea what to feel. At least I can go back to being unhappy tomorrow. I get to spend first period tomorrow with the beloved Coach K. Ugh....
We have the English SOL's tomorrow. I wasn't that nervous about it, but then I started thinking how much this grade means to my future, as I hypervenilated. After much debate, I came to the conclusion that not caring is much better for my health, if not my career choice.
I talked to Christa for a good time today. An hour, maybe two. She has her first piano lesson today! I took piano in third grade from a woman in my church. I quit after a month because I had to pratice too much. lol After Christa got off I started talking to Hong. He's not such a bad guy after all. I never really thought he was until "the incident". He makes me laugh. I could understand why that whole mess happened. Circumstances suck. A lot. But I can always escape to my nice little world of reading and day-dreaming in my room.

Theres a special edition of Gilmore Girls on tonight! I can't wait....hey, at least its not a soap. Not yet anyways....

Quote of the Day "The only thing worse than a pessimist is a pessimist that's always right"
-Michal Macrone